Today is December 3rd. I actually wrote this post last week… because on December 3rd I’ll either be relaxing on the beach reading or drift diving above the beautiful reefs of Cozumel MX. December 2nd is my wife and I’s one year wedding anniversary. We were married at Lydgate Beach on Kauai in the early morning of Dec. 2nd 2009 by the amazing Rev. Caroline Miura of Sacred Ceremonies. In attendance were myself, my wife Emily, Caroline, God, and several wonderful guests (chickens) who enjoyed cake after the wedding. It’s been an amazing year and I’d like to share something with everyone that was read as part of our wedding ceremony:

Your “homework” is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.

This test of what should come out of our mouths is an amazing exercise in any situation. Let’s use this test on an often debated question:

“Do these pants make my butt look big?”

Now, let’s run this through the 3 gate test.

It it Truthful?
Well, it may be true, his/her butt may look big. OK, so check that one off, if you believe it to be true.

Is it Necessary?
This is where some debate comes in, on whether kind should be second or necessary. (OK, the only debate going on is with myself) I know I’m way over analyzing this but bare with me. I usually put “is it kind?” second. However, kind can be subjective and interpreted many different ways. Regarding the question above, being honest with someone about their butt size may seem like being kind. That you’re being truthful and in a loving way helping motivate them to either loose weight or get some different pants. Putting necessary second really does a good job of eliminating things which may be subjective when it comes to kindness.

Is it Kind?
Speaking out of kindness is a guaranteed way to never say something you’ll regret. Recently someone approached me to ask if I would participate in a “roast” so to speak. They wanted me to get up in front of a group of people and sing a theme song to a popular 70’s show but with the lyrics changed to poke fun at someone else. I know these people have tremendous respect for the person, as do I, but after careful thought I used the 3 gate test and declined the request.

No matter how you run your response through the 3 gate test, it really works. Even if you think something may be kind, is it necessary? Stop and think how you would feel if someone said that to you? Use this test to avoid saying things you’ll regret!

For those who like visual’s, I created a flow chart to illustrate the simplicity of the test:

So the next time you’re not quite sure if you should say something or not, ask yourself three simple questions: Is it Truthful? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?

photo credit: shibamata

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• Avoiding Family Drama Over the Holidays

The smell of turkey roasting in the oven. How wonderful. My wife and I decided to spend most of Thanksgiving day with just ourselves, here at home. It was fun getting up early, just the two of us and making the stuffing (my moms recipe). It was actually the first time I’ve ever really stuffed it inside the bird. We got a 22 lb turkey… seems awful big for just the two of us. My step-son, his wife and our granddaughter will be over later, so we’re cooking up a feast for them and ourselves. Saturday morning we leave for a week vacation in Cozumel so the kids will be staying here all week to consume the leftovers. It worked out well.

Most years we travel to see family, which can sometimes be stressful. This time of year I hear it a lot, how family stresses people out. My family usually gets together for the normal holidays, there’s only about 15 to 20 of us regulars. I come from a small family, just one sibling, so it’s pretty low key. My wife’s family is larger and she has quite a bit of experience and wisdom when it comes to dealing with family. So we put our heads together and came up with a few ideas of how best to handle family members that seem to get under our skin around the holidays.

Avoid It
Maybe avoiding family members who irritate us seems obvious, and to some, selfish; but lets think about it. Remember that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. With that said, you should never do something that deliberately hurts someone either. We all have a right to say no.

We often travel to see family over the holidays even when we don’t want to. I know, I know, family is all we really have right? The least we can do is suffer through the resentment and guilt only family members know how to surgically inflict. We hurt the ones we love right?

At what point do we stop trying to improve relationships, family or not, that do not seem to add value or grow in any positive direction? That question really becomes hard when dealing with family. But isn’t family about unconditional love and being there no matter what? I guess I just struggle sometimes with the whole “we should go visit family” mentality when it only causes resentment and anger. Life is too short for things like that. With that said, I am the first one there when a family member really needs me… but then how will I know if they really need me if I don’t work at a relationship with them? Hmmm, seems like a paradox. What do you think?

To some family members, drama is like oxygen. You know the ones who just can’t help themselves? The uncle who constantly brings up the time he bailed you out of jail or that everyone is sure the cousin who moved to California has joined a cult. When the zingers start flying, you have a choice to participate or not. The best way to deal with these situations is come up with a plan!

Have A Plan
Decide before hand how you’re going to handle the uncomfortable situations that always seem to get to you. Talk about your strategy with your spouse or immediate family members. Being prepared is the best way to handle stressful situations with grace and dignity. One of the best ways of diffusing uncomfortable situations is with kindness. If your uncle brings up the time he bailed you out of jail, tell him thanks, and that you really appreciated him being there for you. (and avoid the sarcasm) No, my uncle never bailed me out of jail… not that I wasn’t ever in jail, but it was my dad who had to come get me and now that I think about it, I need to thank him for that.

Remember, your family members know how to push your buttons better than anyone. Be prepared and have a plan.

Be understanding rather than understood
I guess it all really changes when you have children. Which I don’t, but I do have a granddaughter and step-son/daughter, whom I’m beginning to love. It makes me feel good when they want to hang out with us and stop by to visit or stay for dinner. So maybe dealing with family members over the holiday’s has a lot to do with “be understanding rather than understood.” Try and understand where your mother-in-law or parents are coming from when they insist you come to visit. Even if you don’t want to. At the same time, we also need to watch for resentments which only bitter the relationship.

Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that we’re grown ups and can do what we want. This can be hard when our parents can still push those guilt buttons. A good test is to think about what memories you have or will have of times spent with loved ones. I have many good memories of times spent with my cousins and parents over the holidays, but none with just me and my wife. Until today.

In the end, memories are all we have anyway, so spend time making good ones.

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar
If you’re wondering why I chose a picture of baboons… well, honestly, I hate looking for pictures for these posts on flickr. I got tired of looking for one of a family… and I like baboons. It’s the worst part about posting; I’ll spend twice as long looking for the right picture as I do writing the post. I guess I just need to bite the bullet and pay for some stock photo site.

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It was a beautiful summer day in 2007. My girlfriend (now my wife) and I were visiting her son and his wife. They own a small house in a rural town about twenty minutes away. It was to be a short visit, just to drop off a paint sprayer we bought for them. They were in the process of painting their house and this was sort of our way of getting out of helping—by purchasing them a nice paint sprayer (at least that’s the way my selfish brain saw it). I had visions of spending the rest of the afternoon lounging by our pool doing nothing. It was going to be great.

We arrived with the paint sprayer to discover they really didn’t want it, or need it really. Well, OK, I thought, “we tried.” Then my girlfriend, out of nowhere, offered our labor and painting services for the rest of the afternoon! I felt the resentment rise up inside me as I saw my lazy afternoon quickly dissolve into hours of sweat and climbing up and down ladders. I recognized what was happening so I left the room and went outside. I found a quite place and prayed. I asked for acceptance and the willingness to do the next right thing. Then, it came to me.

Years from now, will I remember the day I sat by the pool and did nothing, or the day I helped my girlfriends son and his wife paint their house? The answer was clear and it felt great! We spent the rest of the afternoon painting their house.

Years from now, we’re more likely to remember a day spent helping someone else.

photo credit: Hiddenloop

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