This is a guest post by Rita in which she provides us with some simple and practical ways to cultivate happiness in our lives. Rita is an aspiring author, mentor and editor of Snubbr. Rita is currently writing a book on simple, practical ways to cultivate inner peace. Thanks Rita!

If there’s one common goal amongst the vast majority of us who are living on earth it is to be happy.  Everyone wants to live their lives to their fullest, experiencing all their wishes and dreams coming true right before their eyes.

Unfortunately dreams don’t always come true in real life, but with a happiness plan, you can be sure that whatever does unfold before you, you are making the most of it and living each day to your best.

Often people will state that they are very unhappy, yet never do much in the way of assessing what they can do to change their status and find the true happiness they seek.  They hope that their everyday actions will just eventually have them stumbling upon happiness, yet much of the time don’t even know what ‘happiness’ represents to them.

Creating your very own happiness plan is the best way to change this and get your life headed in the right direction.

Here is what you need to know.

Assess Your Biggest Happiness-Drainers

The very first thing you must do if you are to achieve happiness is identify what happiness drainers you have in your life. These are the things that always make you feel tired after doing them, really sucking the life out of you.

This could be a career you’re stuck in but don’t enjoy, a personal relationship situation that you aren’t completely satisfied with, or a to-do list that overwhelms you considerably and never seems to back down.

These items are going to take away from the positive energy you have in your life and really send negative vibes to your overall level of happiness.  If you can do something to change them in some way, you will be better off because of it.

Identify When You Are ‘In Flow’

Next, you also should look at times when you are in what’s referred to as ‘flow‘.  This is a period of time when you are entirely immersed in what you’re doing.  At that point nothing else matters and all you’re focusing on is the exact thing you are doing at that moment – it is total focus and concentration with no outside distractions getting in.

This is most often found in personal hobbies that we really enjoy and prefer to spend our spare time doing, only sadly, most of us don’t make nearly enough time to pursue these activities as we should. If you can start reversing that and incorporating these activities into your life more regularly, happiness will follow.

Consider Happiness Found In Letting Go

Many of us hold things inside of ourselves. This could be negative emotions, negative self-beliefs, negative energy, or negative behavior patterns.  We hold these deep inside ourselves, protecting them so others cannot judge us by them and never letting them escape.

Freeing yourself from these things by letting go is one large thing you can do to boost the levels of happiness you have. When you can let go, freedom will be yours and you’ll finally come to enjoy life like you’ve been wanting.

Spend More Time With Your-Kind-Of-Happy People

Finally, the last step in creating your own plan of happiness is to fill your life full of people who help you create your own happiness.  These are people who have similar life goals and principles to yourself who will add to your life rather than taking away from it.

Make note that you may come across individuals who are relatively friendly and fine to be around, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will help you achieve maximum happiness.  These individuals may drain you of energy, perhaps not even intentionally, but they do.

Take an assessment of all the people in your life right now and look at the ones where spending time with them makes you feel energized and excited and the ones where you feel drained and tired afterwards.

While you may not need to cut those drainers out entirely, aim to spend more time with those who do energize you and you’ll feel happier and more fulfilled on a day to day basis.

So be sure you take some time right now to come up with your own plan for happiness.  Don’t let life pass you by without ever realizing what you truly can accomplish.

photo credit: Pensiero

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Key to World Peace: Children and The Media
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness

Have you ever experienced the frustration when purchasing a Christmas present for a friend or family member you really do not know that well?

Now think about how well you really know yourself. Do you really know what you need to be happy?

We’ve all heard the saying, “You can’t buy happiness.” So why do we continually try and gain happiness and acceptance from external things or people? Because it’s easier than the alternative. Who wants to embark on the laborious journey of self-searching and examination? Especially if that means finding something we don’t like about ourselves, and God forbid we have to learn to accept it. Acceptance is crucial yet is one of the hardest parts of self-examination; once we accept something, we’re responsible. And if we’re responsible, we are the ones to blame for our unhappy life.

I don’t know about you, but for the majority of my life I had no idea what I needed to be happy. There was always this nagging feeling that someday I would figure it out. In the meantime, I figured if I just kept my nose to the grindstone and charged ahead I’d eventually find it. I guess in a sense, that day finally came; but it was a painful lesson in finding inner-peace and happiness. Experience is that way; a painful teacher.

Through self-discovery, I learned something important about myself; I want to be liked—a real shocker. In an attempt to be liked, I sometime’s feel responsible for other peoples feelings. I guess my thinking was/is that if I protect the feelings of others, I’m a good person; thus they’ll like me. If people like me, then I can like myself. The reality is, I cannot alter the lens of others in an attempt to manipulate the way they view me as a person. This is still looking outside myself for happiness.

How others view me is not as important as how I view myself. Having a realistic view of myself is key to finding what I need to be happy. The main point here is that I’m not responsible for how others view me; to some extent. Obviously if my actions are unacceptable I’m somewhat responsible. Conversely, if I conduct myself with respect and love for others, I’m more likely to receive these same blessings in return. The benefit of the latter is the genuine aspect of it; I’m not manipulating someone else’s feeling towards me by lying or manipulating the truth about myself.

This all leads up to something amazing I discovered about myself several years ago:

It was summer 2006 and one afternoon I had shown up after an AA meeting to see what was going on and catch up with some friends I’d met in recovery. I was currently working on the 4^th Step of the 12 Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Anyway, one of “the friends” asked me if I wanted to go to a movie or something… I can’t remember their exact request but I knew I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to hang out, after all, I’d stopped by to see what was going on right? I just didn’t want to hang out with this one particular person. Terrible I know. So here’s how my brilliant mind worked in this particular conversation:

Friend: Hey, do you want to go see a movie?
My Mind: Crap, how do I get out of this… I know! I just went to the grocery store and need to get some things I have in my car in the fridge.
Me (responding almost immediately): Ah man, I just went to the store and have some ice cream in the car I need to get home.
Friend: What Kind?
My Mind: Shit, I need a quick second to come up with a flavor
Me: Huh?
Friend: What kind of ice cream?
Me: Rocky Road

I then left and headed home. On the way home I intended to stop by the grocery store to pick up some Rocky Road to settle my conscience. It was then I had an epiphany. Every conversation I had ever had with people where I lied because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings flashed through my mind. Man, I’m sick, I thought. I called up my sponsor and shared my new found introspection. He officially gave me permission and the right to say no. Moreover, that I could say no without giving excuses and that I am not responsible for other peoples feelings.

Now obviously we must not confuse this reasoning with not caring and intentionally hurting someone; that is not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about my feelings about myself; more precisely, the feelings I get about myself from others.

Our goal is to get the feelings about ourselves from ourselves. When we have an internal deficiency of positive, loving, and healthy feelings towards ourselves, we need to make up for that somewhere; so we look externally. These external forces we choose only add a temporary positive deposit and need to be continually maintained to remain balanced. It becomes a constant struggle to stay balanced and honestly it’s freaking exhausting!

What other people think about me is none of my business; what I think of myself is.

Today I officially give YOU permission to say no! Try it out… the next time someone asks you to do something you’d rather not do, just say no. That’s it, shut up after that. You’re not responsible for the reasons they create in their head. You might be surprised at how few people actually ask you why.

photo: stu_spivack

Other Articles That May Interest You

• Creating a Happiness Plan
• Want Happiness? Be Happy Now!
• Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time
• The Key to World Peace: Children and The Media
• 100 Secrets on Finding Happiness

Want happiness?
Suspend judgment in your heart of others as well as yourself

I heard those exact words the other day from someone.

It made me wonder, is that it? Is the key to happiness suspending judgment?

I wish it was that easy… just suspending judgment. Like it’s a switch we can flip off. Learning, and yes we can learn, to suspend judgment is a long and difficult process. It starts with building a healthy relationship with ourselves so that we need less external sources to build us up. I’ve been working on it for years, yet I still catch myself passing judgment. The difference is I catch it and try to adjust my perspective and remember where I came from. Often, I recite the prayer “God, bless them, change me.”

How To Be Happy Now!

People often ask me how to find happiness? So I created a site on How To Find Happiness! (howtofindhappiness.net)

If you sign up you can get my free report, “How To Be Happy Now: Finding Happiness in Everyday Living.” Actually, it’s more of a short 14 page eBook (but report “sounds” good since it’s free). I spent a lot of time on it and would really appreciate some feedback. My wife thinks I’m crazy for giving it away for free, as much time as I spent on it. So go sign up at HowToFindHappiness.net to get your free report! And don’t worry about signing up, I’m not going to resell your information and I promise I won’t send you a bunch of crap you’re not interested in.

Reading time of the report is about 15-20 minutes.

Go check it out!

Other Articles That May Interest You

• Creating a Happiness Plan
• Feelings about Yourself Should Come From Yourself
• Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time
• The Key to World Peace: Children and The Media
• 100 Secrets on Finding Happiness

For the last several years I have been speaking once a month at a drug and rehab center; the same one which I had been a patient myself for alcohol. On the third Sunday of every month I would make the 1 1/2 hour drive to the center and speak for an hour. I would talk about my life, play some songs I’d written, and share my experience, strength, and hope. I would share what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now. Last month was my last time speaking. At least for now. I decided to quit and give someone else a chance to fill my slot. I struggled with the decision for a while, but prayed about it often. It has been a really important part of my recovery. Last Sunday would have been my weekend, and I didn’t even realize it until Monday morning. Probably because I spent Sunday afternoon with my wife, step-son and daughter, and our beautiful granddaughter. It is so amazing what the smile of a child can do.

I remember sitting there when I was a patient, listening to speakers like myself, and hearing them talk about how bad it had been, what happened, and how amazing their life had become. I would take notes. Could that possibly happen for me? I really couldn’t relate, my life was such a mess and I was just struggling to find a reason to live. I used the power of now often, just looking around at where I was, concentrating on the fact that in that moment, I was alive and OK. Never mind the piles of bills I had accumulated, the wreckage I had caused in other peoples lives, plus no job and no place to live when I got out of treatment. I learned to just concentrate on what I could do that day. “So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own” (Mathew 6:34). I was really forced into each moment, simply to survive. My counselor, bless her heart, helped me so much. She offered a simple suggestion of making a list. A list of all the things I was worried about. So I wrote down things like; call Ford to see about getting out of my lease, find a place to live, ask for help with income tax, etc. Each day I would look at the list and ask: Is there something on here I can take action on today? If YES, I would take the action; if NO, I would put it out of my mind and go on with my day.

A Rainy Day in 2004
My fiancé’ and I are sitting at an intersection in the pouring rain waiting for the light to change. Across the intersection I see our destination, a loan office where a check is waiting to pay for our engagement ring. I start a fight. Something inside me is saying this isn’t the right thing to be doing—the engagement, not the fighting. It’s not what I want, or maybe it just doesn’t feel right. Shouldn’t it feel right? I keep telling myself it should, I should want to get married to someone I love. So I pick a fight. If I make her angry enough, she’ll leave me since I don’t have the balls to do it myself. Then it will be her fault, and not mine. I should want this right? After all, this is what people in love do. They get married and start a family. I do love her, at least as much as I’ve loved anyone. We’re arguing about something as the light changes and we move across the intersection, sloshing through the running water and pull into the parking lot. The sky is angry and I’m sure she’s crying now. She get’s out and I follow, stopping her under the buildings overhang just out of reach of the pouring rain. Tears and rain dripping down her face, I grab her and tell her this is what I want. She should go in and get the check, we’ll be fine and I want to get married. We got married in January of ‘05, annulled in July ‘05, a year later I hit my bottom.

When I got out of treatment I moved into a recovery house. The closest AA meeting was only a few miles away and I quickly realized I would have to drive through the “rainy intersection” every day on the way to meetings. It was a constant reminder of a painful past. But I did what was suggested to get better. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor and starting working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I worked hard at developing some type of spiritual life. I prayed for others. I prayed for my ex and that she would have all the wonderful things in life that I wanted in mine; love, peace, and family. I started learning how to have a healthy relationship with myself. I took each day for the blessing that it was and tried to simply do the next right thing in every moment. As a result, a funny thing happened. One day I realized it had been months since I thought about the “rainy intersection,” yet I was still driving through it every day. And when I did remember, it wasn’t the painful thorn I had experienced before. It was more of a gentle nudge that had gotten me to where I was at this moment in time. That was it, that was proof that God, or something, was doing for me what I could not do by myself, heal.

Everyone has their own “rainy intersection,” something from their past that continues to stir up pain. Pain we allow by continually focusing on it with regret or remorse. To get past these emotional black holes, all I had to do was take baby steps, concentrating on one step and one day at a time. Focusing only on things right in front of me. I realized with this approach anything was possible. In the last three years I have finished my Bachelors in IT and went on to get my Masters in Business Administration. I’ve gotten married and now have a granddaughter. Everything I do, I accomplish one day, one moment at a time. In Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (Amazon link) by Anne Lamott, the writer explains how, when distracted, she tries to focus on a one-inch piece of the story:

“So after I’ve completely exhausted myself thinking about the people I most resent in the world, and my more arresting financial problems, and, or course, the orthodontia, I remember to pick up the one-inch picture frame and to figure out a one-inch piece of my story to tell, one small scene, one memory, one exchange. I also remember a story that I know I’ve told elsewhere but that over and over helps me to get a grip: Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird’.”

Our granddaughter is a little over 6 months old and hasn’t taken her first steps yet, but it’s amazing to watch her grow and change from week to week. One week she couldn’t really use her hands, then a few days later she’s grabbing at everything in sight. I can’t wait until she starts taking baby steps. I just know her little steps will take her far. Lord knows how far little steps have taken me. Sometimes the steps are as uncomfortable, unnatural, or even painful as I imagine they might be for a child the first time. But as I step through them, I’m better able to face them tomorrow armed with the wisdom of today.

Today, all the things I prayed for others to receive, I have received ten-fold. Love, peace, and family.

When life get’s a little overwhelming, get out a pen and paper and right down everything that is weighing on your mind. Ask yourself if there is any REAL action you can do with each thing on your list? Yes? Do it. No? Let it go until you can or decide it’s time to take action. Now what’s the next thing you should be doing? Just concentrate on taking the next right step in each moment. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking back towards the mountains you’ve climbed!

photo credit: Jessica Bee

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• The Power of Spiritual Love and 22 Ways It Will Change Your Life
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness

If I were running for WPO (World Peace Officer), this would be my campaign speech:

Make no bones about it… world. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. And I mean a lot worse. At times, we will wonder if it is worth the fight, as we lay down our weapons to shield the dust from our eyes that settles from the apocalyptic sky.

True peace only comes from within, within each one of us as individuals. Moreover, for that to happen, each society and thus its citizens must discover truth on their own. It must evolve and not be forced through punishments and rewards.

In the words of Steve Pavlina regarding reward and punishment structures of traditional religions, ‘When you see enforcement based on the promise of rewards and punishments, you’re not witnessing real truth. You’re witnessing marketing masquerading as truth.’

A peace that evolves on its own, through evolution is the only long-lasting path to world peace. Forcing peace is a paradox. A paradox perpetuated since man began demanding more than his fair share of resources. A cycle that will continue until something great comes to pass, something with unfathomable depth and weight.

Most likely, it will be destructive in nature, the likes of which we have never seen or could have imagined. In the end, if anyone is left, love is all that will unite us. Love which first we found for ourselves through the greatest gift of all—desperation. From which will spawn true unconditional love and acceptance between all people regardless of race or religion.

In the meantime, we are all in this together, so we had better learn how to get along. Live long and prosper. Peace out.

So here it is, the key to world peace…. drum roll please:

1. Children. Teach our children to love and accept themselves for who they are as individuals. Self-acceptance leads to self-enlightenment, intrinsic love for oneself and thus empathy and compassion for others.
2. Media. Stop scaring everyone! Stop telling us how horrific we are, and start reminding us of how loving we can be.

The other night my wife and I watched the movie Watchmen. There was one line in there that really spoke to me. The character Rorschach was responding to a question about why he brutally killed a man who murdered a little girl:

Rorschach: You see, Doctor, God didn’t kill that little girl. Fate didn’t butcher her and destiny didn’t feed her to those dogs. If God saw what any of us did that night he didn’t seem to mind. From then on I knew… God doesn’t make the world this way. We do.

When I was at my bottom and contemplating suicide, a few people came to see me. One person who did not try to rescue me this time was my mother. She prayed. She knew there was nothing she could do. Part of the gift of Life is the gift of allowing us to live it.

It is called Free Will.

Sometimes I just want to grab the world and shake it. Wake up everyone! Can’t we all just get along?

Rodney King summed it up in a few simple words, “People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?…It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything ….Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.”

What a simple but powerful statement, “we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out.”

I found this article by Douglas Noll titled “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” It’s quite amazing and pretty short so click here and read it! I’ll wait… … …really you should read it… I know there’s so much stuff out there to read just get on with it already!! I was the same way, I kept skimming the article to cut parts out and highlight but just found it was too good, so you should go read the whole thing.

The article talks about human beings and our ability to be rational that sets us apart from other species, and how the majority of laws and foreign policies are based off this premise that we are rational thinkers. However, the truth is that human beings are 98 percent emotional and about 2 percent rational. When faced with insecurity or anxiety, we have a choice between reactivity and reflection based actions. Our default mode being reactive if no choice is consciously made. From the article in case you didn’t read it and again even if you did:

If the choice for reflection is made, we have learned to reflect, relate, and relax. The insecurity arising from a conflict situation is recognized as pointing to a pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization. We are led by our curiosity to discover something new, find what is lost, or complete unfinished business. Success leads us to wholeness, authenticity, power and wisdom.

The path, however, is not easy. From anxiety and insecurity, we experience inadequacy (we don’t know what to do) and a drop in self-esteem (we don’t feel good about self). We ride on a broad emotional river and often experience fear of death, a drowning sensation, being shaky, or cold. Along this journey, our fear reaction system could pull us off the path of peace.

At the end of this emotional drop, we end in a calm pool that represents the essential peace within us. In this state, we hold an unshakable foundation of belief in ourselves. We are authentic; we are present in the moment. We exhibit a full spectrum of self as robust, rainbow colored, and multi-faceted. From this place, we can be compassionate, tolerant, exhibit loving-kindness, and embrace peace. This is what I have observed many people experiencing as they engage in conflict resolution and achieve peace.

The part that jumped out to me was, “If the choice for reflection is made, we have learned to reflect, relate, and relax. The insecurity arising from a conflict situation is recognized as pointing to a pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization. We are led by our curiosity to discover something new, find what is lost, or complete unfinished business. Success leads us to wholeness, authenticity, power and wisdom.”

I heard a recovering addict express what it meant to be reflective, something he learned through the practice of living on spiritual principles. I don’t remember exactly how he phrased it, but the point is what matters.

Prior to recovery, whether I was actively in my addiction or not, everything I did was a reaction. You put in a quarter, I played B-12. You piss me off, you’d better watch out because yours is coming. I was predictable. Today, when I feel threatened or start to react, I pause. It is in that moment of pause and reflection that I become human.

That is just something to think about when we look at the first key to world peace, children.

Children
First let me confess something, I am a conservative. I was and am for the War in Iraq and Afghanistan. My views are changing however, and the reasons I am not against these particular wars are a little more complex than oil and power. Why do I feel the wars are necessary? To promote democracy. I know it sounds… well, conservative.

Democracy is a system of government in which either the actual governing is carried out by the people governed (direct democracy), or the power to do so is granted by them

OK, now I’ll get into my rational view behind this. And I will say that it is shifting towards more of a pacifist view (its sort of a chicken or egg thing), but I’ll get into that in a minute. So on to the first item on my list, children and their relation to democracy.

A few years ago I saw this special on 60 Minutes or some similar type show (I couldn’t find it to reference) about Jihad and the way children in some Muslim countries are being taught to view the rest of the world. Children are taught to hate anyone who does not have their beliefs (infidel’s) and ultimately to kill them. Children. How can we hope to have a peaceful future when the world’s children are being taught hatred? It’s scary, it really is. And yes some will argue that other groups are doing something similar with their teachings. I agree, but none of those that I know of, promote hatred and death. What they believe to be true, is just as true to them as what we believe.

This isn’t just children of radical Islamic beliefs. I’m talking about children everywhere, and here in America. We need to teach or children about tolerance, love, and acceptance. That they are good enough just as they are and that everything they will ever need is within themselves. There is a big difference between self-esteem and selfishness. If I could make a blanket statement (or word) about the youth today, it would be entitlement. I get the feeling that most kids these days feel entitled to everything they have. It’s a result of societies need to have more than our share of resources or “keeping up with the Joneses.” Everyone is looking for validation outside of himself or herself (material possessions) which means more work and less time for our children. Our children then grow up looking for immediate gratification since they were raised on video games and YouTube. Then, as they get older, they reach a breaking point, become enlightened, and spend the rest of their life trying to rid themselves of material attachments. At lease in my view the lucky ones do. The cycle needs to change. More self-love = more love and empathy for others.

A few years ago, I had a thought… about getting children or young adults together from different countries. Initially I thought of a social network site focused on youth from around the world, specifically between American and Middle Eastern children. When I visited Russia as a teenager, we meet with hundreds of young adults our age and the atmosphere always seemed happy and accepting. We realized we had more in common with each other and did not really understand why I countries leaders could not just get along. It seemed so simple as young adults. It would seem that if we could just get our children together, before their minds are corrupted by years of jaded views of the world and belief systems, something great might happen.

Now back to democracy. By promoting democracy, we allow the human nature of wanting to be free and self-realization a better chance of emerging. Some of these cultures have never known what its like to think for themselves, so they have no comparison. Take for example a primate or tiger brought up in captivity (I apologize for the human to animal comparison), which has known no other existence and for all it knows, the cage in which it lives is the entire universe. Yet somewhere in its soul, it must feel there is something else out there. And yes I realize this is an assumption, but stay with me. Now, let that animal out, and they often try to get back in. For that is where they feel comfortable. Reintegrating them into the wild is an extremely long process in that they have to be taught to think for themselves; how to hunt, gather, seek shelter, etc. As a former zookeeper and specifically a primate keeper, I witnessed some interesting things in regards to captive animals. I realize it is a stretch to compare captive animals to humans. But aren’t those who are forced to believe certain things about the world around them, in some way, being held captive?

I know what you are thinking; I’m contradicting myself by proposing the spread of democracy. What about the reintegration topic and forcing beliefs? This is where the chicken or the egg thing comes into play. A few weeks ago in 100 Secrets on Finding Happiness, I talked about “if nothing changes then nothing changes.” That in order for me to even have a chance of learning how to swim, at some point I was going to have to stop the car and get out. There has to be something to break the cycle of some of these nations and people living under the veil that they have freedom. Sure, they may not want it once we leave, but at least we gave them a chance at something they never would have had. Why do you think there aren’t car bombings in America everyday like in other countries? Because we as free individuals wouldn’t put up with that shit! Period.

The key is to get civilizations to desire freedom for themselves as individuals. Freedom realized through self-expression and freedom of speech. Things found mostly in democratic countries. As far as I know.

Let me state here that I’m not a historian or know anything about what peoples lives are in most other countries. My only experience outside the U.S. is I spent a month in the Soviet Union (USSR) back in 1989 and have visited several of the Caribbean Islands and Mexico since then. I found Russia to be generally gray in color and depressing. However the people, were people just like you and me. They were welcoming and warm. I quickly realized how fortunate Americans are and that things such as toilet paper were considered a luxury.

Back to Noll’s article, how do we get the world to “reflect, relate, and relax?” I used to believe that promoting democracy was the answer. Civilizations, which are being held captive by limiting their views and stunting their intrinsic desires, need to be free. How can we stand by and watch as a dictator ruthlessly kills his people. What does that make us as humans to stand by and watch as our neighbor is being bludgeoned to death while we watch and do nothing? The moral thing to do is stop it right?

The pacifist would argue that violence only perpetuates more violence, and to some extent, I would agree. Yet we’re back to the chicken or the egg thing again. What about those who are too weak to fend for themselves? Do we chalk it up to survival of the fittest or evolution?

In my journey to overcome my alcoholism, I resisted all suggestions or even forced directions of change. People smarter than me told me over and over what inner-peace looked like. However, I would not listen until my life depended on it. Not until I had, as they say, reached my bottom, and was willing to surrender was real, long-lasting, significant change possible. The key is getting the children to learn, at an early age what freedom looks and feels like. Alternatively, letting civilization, as we know it, hit bottom.

Peace that evolves on its own, through evolution is the only long-lasting answer to world peace. Forcing peace is a paradox and as long as it continues, the cycle will continue. I don’t think we should leave the Middle East or other conflicted areas because we should “mind our own business” or let them “fend for themselves.” And there is no doubt in my mind that if we give up the fight and leave, things will get worse long before they’ll ever get better. Nevertheless, it seems that we must at least give people a chance to experience what freedom feels like.

Sitting by and watching as a world destroys itself is tough and hard, yet at times seems necessary. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my mother to watch me kill myself with alcohol—just hoping that I would surrender and give up the fight. I had to surrender to win, and I have won everything. I believe that is how God views us as we all destroy ourselves.

Children are crucial to world peace for they hold the views of our future. We must teach them how to get along, not by forcing our will on others, but by example. Moreover, even though I do believe that violence only breeds more violence, at some point the cycle has to change. Maybe our children will be able to accomplish this where we have failed.

Media
My wife and I refuse to watch the local news. It is disgusting—everyone running around in fear. The night we decided to start boycotting the news, we were talking about how you’d think the sky was falling. A few nights later, just as we were turning the TV off, we caught a preview of the big story on the nightly newscast, “Mystery Fireballs Fall from the Texas Sky.” We immediately looked at each other and busted out in laughter. It’s so cool having someone that thinks the same way.

Remember the part in Noll’s article, “Along this journey, our fear reaction system could pull us off the path of peace.” The media makes a living of pulling every human being off the path of peace through constant fear. Think about the 24-hour news cycle that resulted after 9/11. Today, we have fear fed straight into our living rooms 24-hours a day! I realize this is not actually the media’s fault; they’re only broadcasting what people want to watch. It’s a business. “If it bleeds it leads.” Personally, I have been through that “emotional drop” that Noll talks about and found the calm pool of peace within myself. And guess what? As a result, I no longer watch the news! I avoid exposure to forces that pull me off the path of peace. The more we as humans move onto the “pathway of growth towards greater peace and self-realization,” the less we’ll allow media to pull us off our path of peace. People will stop tuning into the fear and media will have to start broadcasting something else.

The media needs to stop scaring everyone. It’s no wonder violence runs rampant on the streets these days, every one is freaking out! My wife and I often talk about starting a media company that goes up against local news stations and highlights only positive news. There are miracles and amazing things happening in the world, I wish we could get more people focusing on those. But until its what people want to see, nothing will change.

So that’s it, the key to world peace.

photo credit: christyscherrer

Other Articles That May Interest You

• Creating a Happiness Plan
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 3, Identification

Every personal development/self-help blog has one, the “100 ways to find/achieve (fill in the blank)” list post. Here’s mine on finding happiness:

Action x 100

I bet you thought you were getting a quick and easy list to read huh? Sorry.

No matter how many things I could come up with for my list, people would read it and then move on to something else. Reading doesn’t accomplish crappola unless you put it into action. A list is easy and usually generates more blog visitors than anything else, because people are lazy and like lists. I admit I like them too, but they rarely, if ever, have any real effect on my life. There’s nothing wrong with coming up with an extensive list of things which we think will make us happy, the problem is… it is still just a list. A list can even be a set of decisions, but unless actions are taken… well, nothing happens. A list and decisions are hypothetical, on paper or in our minds. Actions move through space and time and affect the universe around us.

Three frogs are sitting on a log. One decides to jump. How many are left? … Three, he only made a decision to jump yet took no action.

My suggestion is to make a short list and break it down into sub-lists of actionable ideas or processes. I have experienced many life changes and types of spiritual awakenings, none of which came about with intense meditation or intellectual masturbation alone. Sure some great ideas or areas of growth are revealed during these times of reflection, but unless I take action on them, they’re just that, ideas. Putting ideas into action affects the forces around me with whom I interact, thus altering my destiny.

Take for example Inner-Peace. Few will argue that happiness would certainly involve inner-peace. But how do we find it? We don’t, it finds us as a result of taking action such as those I presented in The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness.

I heard a story recently that illustrates this point. Let’s pretend I do not know how to swim and I’m driving down a coastal highway looking out at the ocean. I know that if I were to stop the car, get out, and jump into the ocean I would drown. However, unless I stop the car at some point, I’m never going to learn how to swim. Something has to change (stopping the car) for me to even have the possibility of learning how to swim. It’s like the saying, if nothing changes then nothing changes. No matter how much I think about stopping the car or learning how to swim, nothing will change as long as I keep driving.

Another great example is Derek Siver’s post that Ideas are just a multiplier of execution:

To me, ideas are worth nothing unless executed. They are just a multiplier. Execution is worth millions.

Explanation:

AWFUL IDEA = -1
WEAK IDEA = 1
SO-SO IDEA = 5
GOOD IDEA = 10
GREAT IDEA = 15
BRILLIANT IDEA = 20

NO EXECUTION = $1
WEAK EXECUTION = $1000
SO-SO EXECUTION = $10,000
GOOD EXECUTION = $100,000
GREAT EXECUTION = $1,000,000
BRILLIANT EXECUTION = $10,000,000

To make a business, you need to multiply the two.

The most brilliant idea, with no execution, is worth $20.

The most brilliant idea takes great execution to be worth $20,000,000.

Fortunately, great execution isn’t necessarily required to find happiness. Just do something.

My short list:

• Love Myself
  Actions: Treat Myself with respect by exercising, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Do something nice for someone else… anonymously!
• Want Less
  Actions: Prayer and meditation. Helping others when given the chance, as a result I find I have everything I need. Show gratitude for the things I have like washing my car, mowing my lawn and telling those close to me how much I appreciate them.

What’s on your short list?

photo credit: Storm Crypt

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Secret Power of Gratitude and How to Get It
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Creating a Happiness Plan
• Feelings about Yourself Should Come From Yourself
• Today Could Be Your Last Chance; Make it Count!

Two nights ago it happened. My wife and I had just finished dinner and I was watching TV when I was consumed with this overall feeling of dread. Doom and gloom from out of nowhere. I could not put my finger on the reason why, but I was overcome with this feeling of hopelessness and that something in the universe was not right. There was a disturbance in the force or as Obi-Wan put it “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.” OK, that’s a little dramatic, but sometimes it can certainly feel that way when you’re normally brimming with gratitude.

So I laid back on the couch and just felt it. I considered grabbing a pen and paper and writing a gratitude list, knowing the action would help and then I could share how I “walk the walk.” But I didn’t, instead I used the power of now and then went through a mental list of all that I was grateful for such as my wife, granddaughter, parents, job, legs, food, home, etc. and that all my basic needs were met.

I know I talk about gratitude a lot, but it is important. Get used to it.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
-Melody Beattie

Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Nonconformity, listed three parts of gratitude in his Zen Habits guest post, “Three Truths to Help You Create a Life of Gratitude”

A life of gratitude is composed of three parts that combine to make a whole.

1. A sense of purpose in our lives

2. An appreciation for the lives of those around us

3. A willingness to take action to show the gratitude we feel

Finding A Sense of Purpose
Finding a sense of purpose in one’s life is no small task. For most of my life, I thought “the purpose” was to find happiness. This thinking simply brought on years of self-will and wrestling with most forces in life. Through the gift of desperation, I realized a life run on self-will alone puts me in conflict with the universe and everyone in it. Think about it, if we’re all trying to run our lives on self-will, getting the most out of life for ourselves, who’s looking out for each other?

It’s like when my wife and I go to Home Depot on the weekends. It’s really quite funny. We get all dressed up and looking nice just in case someone sees us. I mean really! Isn’t everyone else just going around doing the same thing—wondering how everyone sees them? (OK, maybe not…) The good thing is we’re able to laugh at ourselves about it.

Finding a sense of purpose can be as easy as doing what makes you happy. I found that living a life based on spiritual principles and helping others as much as I can makes me happy. That life is not a search for happiness but a by-product of right living. I used to think I had to change the world, you know, really make a difference! Today I look for my life purpose each and every day. My morning prayer is, “God, show me what you will have me do today and give me the strength and willingness to carry it out.” When I approach each day with this attitude, anything is possible!

Appreciate Those Around You
Appreciation is an action, look at those around you in everyday life and see what you can do to make their lives better. Here’s something to try. The next time you feel frustrated, angry, or upset because you feel someone just doesn’t understand, try being understanding rather than understood.

Bringing joy to those around you is a great way to show your appreciation for them. One of my favorite parts of the movie The Bucket List is when Carter poses the two questions which are asked of Egyptians entering heaven: “Have you found joy in your life?” and “Has your life brought joy to others?” Bring joy to others and you’ll find joy yourself.

Gratitude is an Action
I love it, just love it—anything to do with action! I use to think about getting flowers or a gift for someone, but never really took any action. I was too busy achieving happiness. People’s happiness comes from my actions, not my intentions. I refer to those days as my ten dollar days. I would never put more than ten dollars worth of gas in my car at a time. I had the money, just no patience—always in a hurry to someplace to do something for myself. It is simple—doing things for others shows them you appreciate them.

There are so many ways you can take action to show gratitude, such as how you treat yourself and your possessions. Are you grateful for your life and your body? Trying exercising. Are you grateful for your car? Try washing it. Are you grateful for your clothes? …OK, I didn’t really think “try washing them” would be that impactful so how about this… If you’re grateful for having more than enough clothes, give some of them away to a local shelter.

I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.”
-Bill Wilson

So as I lay there on the couch and think of all that I am grateful for, the feeling of dread lifts just a little. I got on my knees and said a simple prayer, “God, thank you for your Grace and Confidence” and went up stairs to share my feelings with my wife. (I share everything, it’s good practice for when I’m making unreasonable demands of myself) She kisses me and tells me she loves me—it lifts a little more.

From experience I know that emotions are just emotions, that they change, and that This Too Shall Pass. The next morning I rise and am grateful for another day as a flower is for the sun.

Closing Side Nugget: When writing about a topic I think up a ton of other things to write about. One that immediately comes to mind is the powerful realization that emotions do not last forever. I suppose it may feel that way for some. I remember when I was suffering from alcohol depression, and the constant feeling of doom I carried in my soul. I had no purpose for my life, no gratitude, and felt those feelings would last forever. I can relate to those who may feel such emotions for extended periods of time and how suicide can seem attractive. OK, I realize that is a bold statement, but there was a time in my life when suicide was a very real option. That is when I asked for help and was desperate enough to do whatever it took to get better. If you feel hopelessness and despair, please ask someone for help. It’s out there and there are people who truly do understand what you’re going through. I still get those feelings from time to time, so I have accumulated a set of tools that I pull out and use—like gratitude! And I tell myself, this too shall pass.

photo credit: furbychan

Other Articles That May Interest You

• 100 Secrets on Finding Happiness
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• 9 Ways to Get the Funk Outta Here!
• The Greatest Gift
• Staying in the moment

Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at step 5, Action. This week we are looking at our final step:

Step 7: Maintenance

After going through these steps, something has happened. We have felt our existence come into peace with the world around us. We can look the world in the eye and know that we have done the best we can. We feel that we are a part of something now, something bigger than ourselves. For we have laid the foundation with which real spiritual growth and happiness will spring.

Remember our quote from step 1?

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
-Ghandi

Is this not what we have done?

In step 1 (awareness) we became aware that, if we are not satisfied with the way things are, change is needed to find true inner peace and happiness.

Step 2 (acceptance) taught us about accepting the things we can change, ourselves. And that we are responsible for becoming what we dream of becoming.

Step 3 (identification) is where we learned how to identify the things which we must change. Things which keep us from growing spiritually and towards inner peace and happiness.

The very important step 4 (self-searching), is where we discovered the how and why of our past behaviors. We discover the character flaws that caused the things we identified in step 3.

Step 5 (confession) taught us a little about humility and forgiveness.

In step 6 (action) we realized that for real change to happen, we must move our feet! Nothing great ever happened by sitting around thinking about it!

We have cleared, or at least started to clear, the wreckage of our past. This means that we can now walk upright, with pride and dignity. If there are things which continue to nudge our conscience, that keep our eyes looking down, we must take more action to clear them from our soul. This may mean more amends are to be made to others, or even to ourselves. Nothing is too great a task for we are on a path to true happiness.

Looking back when we started, we realized we needed to  get three things in harmony to find happiness; thought, words, and action. Steps 1, 2, 3, and 4 were all about getting out thinking straight. Steps 5 and 6 are action steps and begin us on the path of doing the right thing. The by-product of having a clear conscience and right living is that we no longer need validation and happiness from outside ourselves. What others do or think is no longer our biggest concern, but how we are living. Are we being true to ourselves and our highest ideals?

We find that we no longer need to say or do things which are harmful to others. Actions and words—used only to hurt others and inflate ourselves—are no longer needed. For everything we need is within us as individuals.

Maintenance is about living each day to the best of our ability. Having followed these steps, we can move forward knowing we have done the best we can. So each day we set out to bring joy and love to the lives of others. As a friend of mine says, “Today, I will only give and receive love.”

Here are a few maintenance steps I do on a daily basis. Each morning when I wake I do four things before starting my day:

1. Take a Shower
2. Read one of my morning meditating books
3. Get on my knees
4. Pray

One of the prayers I say every morning is known as the Third Step prayer:

God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

Next, before I get off my knees, I remain quiet and just sit there for several minutes and listen to the day begin. Before getting up I say one more prayer, “God, show me what you will have me do today and give me the strength and the willingness to carry it out.”

What is amazing, is that throughout each day, there seems to always come a moment when someone is in need or I am given an opportunity to help someone. That is when I think back about the prayer I said that morning, and I get a chance to see if I really meant what I said.

At night before going to bed I again do four things:

1. Brush my teeth
2. Kiss my wife
3. Get on my knees
4. Pray

My nightly prayer consists of thanks mostly. I also do sort of a daily inventory, going over the entire day in my head to see if there’s any amends I need to make or areas which I can improve upon. I think about others who I know are suffering or struggling and I pray for them. This is also when I pray for those I may have a resentment towards. I pray that they have all of the things in their life that I want in mine; happiness, love, joy, peace, etc..

You may wonder why I put “get on my knees” in both lists as something I do. Originally, I started doing it because someone whom I admired suggested I try it. It was a symbol of my willingness to change. Now I do it because hitting my knees is an action. It forces me to concentrate on what I’m doing and is a physical display of humility and gratitude.

Well, that’s it for The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Let me know what you think. I really wish I could come around to everyone and help you work these steps in person. They really can change your life. To some extent, I do each step in some way everyday as part of my maintenance. My goal is to make this series into an eBook for distribution at some point, so keep an out out for that!

Even if you did not work these steps, you should really give a lot of thought to happiness being a by-product of right living. When you feel agitated, restless, or discontented, trying getting outside of yourself and helping someone. In the words of Francine Ward, “Self-Esteem Comes From DOING Esteemable Acts”

Please, if you have any suggestions for future posts or would like to hear about anything in particular, or need advice or want to discuss something in your life, shoot me an email.

photo credit: melolou

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Matching Calamity with Serenity: Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality

Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at step 4, Self-Searching. This week we are looking at:

Step 5: Confession

Oh great you’re saying… I have to confess my sins? Actually… yes. Admitting our faults to another human being, someone qualified to hear them, is an important step in being honest with ourselves. We hold back nothing for I am as sick as my secrets.

How is telling someone else our deepest secrets being honest with ourselves? It is the process of saying the words, getting them out into the open, which helps in our healing. By healing our self-image and moving closer to a real perception of ourselves, we move towards truth—truth about ourselves. Not until we truly know who we are, can we move forward into what we might become.

We often find that many of our secrets, things that we secretly condemn ourselves for, are not as bad as they may seem. It is important we share them with someone else for this amazing and spiritual transformation to work. So we find someone who is familiar with the process and understands what we are trying to accomplish.

Sitting in a room with myself and admitting to the wall my deepest secrets does not accomplish anything. I tried that for years and nothing happened. Remember, we cannot fix a broken mind with a broken mind. Moreover, we have already accepted something has to change, so we are wiling to move forward in the process.

I have used chaplains, life coaches, counselors, and therapists for this process. If we are serious about change, we find someone!

I have gone through this process several times, and I can tell you it is not as bad as it seems. In my experience, the wrongs I have done are causing more soul sickness then the actual acts themselves. It is important that I get them out into the open and discuss them with someone if I am ever going to forgive myself and move on.

The result of this process is a clear and objective look back at the patterns in our lives. This is another reason why we must share our inventory with another person. The person can help us see events in our past for what they really are—events in our past. Maybe we have been too hard on ourselves for something we have done. Conversely, maybe something happened in our past that is influencing our behavior more than we realize.

My experience with this process has been amazing. The act of sharing my deepest secrets with someone brings me more into the spirit of the universe. It is one step closer to being a part of as opposed to a part from. When I reach out to another human being and ask for help and guidance, I become receptive to the possibility of miracles and the power of love. True happiness and inner peace begins with self-acceptance. Self-acceptance begins with forgiveness, forgiveness of oneself. By confessing my faults to someone else, I confess that I am open to the power of forgiveness. It is from this place I have a start for forgiving myself. Only then may I experience the true power of forgiving others.

Next up, Step 6: Action!

What do you think about confessing your deepest secrets to someone else?

Photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance

Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at Identification. This week, we are going to look at self-searching.

Step 4: Self-searching

Now that I have identified my problem, I’m set right? All I need to do is stop doing that! After all, knowledge is power! For me, it was not quite that easy. I self-educated myself for years, it did not work. I could avoid making the same mistakes or feel good for a period of time—years in s0me cases—but without an entire psychic change, I eventually found myself in the same state, defeated and depressed. Self-knowledge alone did not work.

What I needed was some humility and an honest self-appraisal—humility gained by honestly looking at my life and how I was living it. In recovery, we call this a moral inventory. We need to identify the unsalable goods, the character defects that are hindering our spiritual growth.

“Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God’s help. . . . we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life—the one that did not work—for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever.”
- Bill Wilson in As Bill Sees It

The process of self-searching, ironically, is difficult to do on your own. Personally, I needed help from someone who knew what he or she was doing, someone who had been through the process and could guide me through it. After all, my own thinking had gotten me into this mess; it was an unreliable source. I sought someone who understood what I was trying to do, in certain recovery programs we refer to this person as a sponsor. Moreover, I have also used therapist and counselors to help me through the process.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
-Albert Einstein

This process revealed to me some patterns and areas of interest in my life (these are just a few and are in no particular order):

• I want to be loved and accepted
• I am afraid of rejection
• I do not love myself
• I am not happy with who I am
• I am full of guilt and regret
• I want close relationships, but have no idea how
• I will never be completely satisfied; thus I am not capable of being happy

If you look at my list, you’ll notice some of the items are conflicting.

I want to be loved yet I am afraid of rejection. Consequently, I never took the chance of finding real love.

I want to be loved but do not love myself. That sure sounds like a tall order doesn’t it?

Sure people can love me without me loving myself, but to experience the true wonders of love with another human being, we must love ourselves. At least that’s been my experience. Not until I learned how to accept and love myself was I truly able to give it away. After all, we can’t give away what we do not have. By giving away love, I experience the true beauty of it and am more open to receiving it.

It is important to note here that I was not necessarily aware of any of these issues or that I was suffering from a spiritual sickness. For the most part, I felt I had a high self-esteem and held a positive self-image. It was months, and in some cases, years before I realized this was not the case.

For example, “I do not love myself.” People were always telling me how positive I was and what a great sense of humor I had. I confused looking good on the outside with feeling good on the inside. It was not until years later, once I developed a true loving and empathetic relationship with myself, did I realize what that meant. The process made me realize that if I truly had loved myself, there were things in my past I would not have done. I have come to realize through this process and spiritual growth, what a loving relationship with myself feels like. I can see now that by treating myself the way I did, I was not treating myself as someone I loved.

The identification process for me came through the 4th and 5th step of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Step 4 is, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” And step 5 is, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” How you decide to identify your areas for change may be different, however I do suggest that you ask someone to help you such as a therapist, chaplain, or someone qualified in self-appraisal.

It helps to look at this process as if you are a storeowner. What products do we have in stock that is taking up valuable space? Shelf space that could be used for goods that are more salable. Goods people want and add real value to our lives. Goods that add to our spiritual condition and the well being of others.

So we take a good look at ourselves, we get out a pen and paper and start writing down things we resent and fears that we have. Notice I said pen—and not the erasable kind either! We right down events or things that have happened to us that cause resentment and anger. Personally, I went back from the time my memory began and wrote down the name of every single person I could remember meeting in my life. That gave me a starting point of seeing if I felt any anger, resentments, or harbored feelings against anyone from my past. After that, I searched my memory for any events that caused me fear or anger regardless of who was involved. I wrote them down as accurately as I possibly could. This also included any sexual experiences that I felt guilt or remorse over. (honestly, I wrote down everything! Again, I was not qualified to determine which items needed reviewing, so I wrote them all down and let someone more qualified determine which ones needed looked at). Yes, we’re talking about sex here! Nothing is held back—after all, it is a complete and fearless moral inventory. It is at this point I truly begin getting honest with myself.

I was amazed at how many sheets of paper I filled. To think that all these years those pages and pages of thoughts had been running rampant through my consciousness. Just think about all that fear, anger, resentment, guilt,  and shame running around rent-free in your head. Swirling around feeding off itself. During this process, we also find that many of these events have taken on a life and story of their own over the years. Meaning, that a lot of them… how should I say, were not what actually happened. Over the years our minds will start to shift and shape events to feed our feelings of fear or insecurities. Why not? After all, we will get valuable mileage out of these events during our self-deprecating moments.

Once we get all these thing down on paper, we look back over them one by one. But now, we write down what our part was. Why did we get hurt? What did we do, after all, were we not partly to blame in some if not all cases? We take a long hard look at what our part was. In some cases, we may have had no part at all, but this is our inventory, so we do not point the finger at others. If we had no part, we move on accepting that our part was simply our presence.

The amazing thing about this process is we begin to see patterns and themes to our life. We look back and see how we continually placed ourselves in situations to be hurt. We constantly chose relationships with partners who were emotionally unavailable. We put unreasonable expectations on ourselves and others and as a result were constantly disappointed.

The goal of this entire process—all of these steps—is to rid ourselves of those things standing in our way towards spiritual growth. Some call it baggage or character defects. Call it whatever you want, but the reality is, they are getting in our way of real growth and causing us misery. We must rid ourselves of the obstructions that are getting in the way of our usefulness to God, our fellow human beings, and ourselves.

If you have come this far as I have, we are well on our way to a life based on spiritual principles. Principles that can and will lead to true happiness and serenity.

See you next week when we talk about Step 5, confession! (don’t sweat it, we’re in this together and its not as bad as you think)

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance