You hear people say it all the time: “Everything Happens for a Reason”

This saying, or idea, intrigues me. My logical brain (which I try not to entertain too much) views it as a tool for dealing with acceptance, although this tool only works when we choose to use it ourselves. Most of us know you shouldn’t walk up to someone who just experienced some tragic event, be all optimistic and say, “everything happens for a reason dude.” You may get punched in the face for good reason.

In a sense, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, I believe God reveals things to me or puts people and circumstances in my life, but it’s what I learn from those experiences that brings reason to them. It’s more a matter of faith; faith that no matter what the obstacle, I can get through it and learn from it. A faith that only comes from experience.

Before I got all spiritual, I was the erector set kid. If I couldn’t take it apart and see what made it tick—a control thing—it didn’t really interest me. And no way was I going to turn my will and life over to circumstance; let alone God or a Higher Power. We all know where that thinking took me.

What I learned from my experience was to let go. Not just let go of control, but let go of everything! Every thought about what life meant, every fear of not being liked and ALL the stuff that comes with it; most importantly every idea I had about spirituality. Once I chose life, every decision from that point on was easy. It was suggested I work some type of spiritual program, so I did. My experience tells me that I’m a spiritual being—simply because it feels right. I feel more at home with my soul and self today than ever.

Did me hitting bottom and finding a spiritual life happen for a reason? I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do know is the life I have today because I survived and learned about living a spiritual life, is what I had been searching for all along. And while I see many others like me not make it, it’s hard for me to tell their friends and family they died for a reason. I pray for them to have the strength to learn from their experience; to learn something they can pass on to others, and to learn they now have faith to walk through just about anything.

Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason; but rather it’s what we learn from the experience that GIVES it reason.

photo credit: Greything

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It’s a rainy day in 2004 and my fiance’ and I are sitting at an intersection waiting for the light to change. I can see our destination across the intersection; a loan office where a check is waiting for our engagement ring. My gut is telling me this isn’t the right thing to be doing (the marriage not the loan) so I pick a fight. I’m not equipped emotionally to know what I need or want out of life; all I know is the fear of being alone. My fiance’ begins to cry and I fear she does not love me, so I tell her I love her and everything is going to be OK. We pick up the loan check. We get married in January of ‘05 and annulled six months later. Looking back, fear influenced nearly every decision in my life.

As I have transformed my life into a purposeful spiritual journey, one thing has become abundantly clear; fear had been and continues to be at the root of most of my problems. The fear I experience is usually rooted in two beliefs: 1) that I’m not going to get something I think I want, or 2) that I’m about to lose something I think I have. I emphasis think in both instances because most of what I have is merely an illusion. In that they’re material or contingent on others; neither one of which I have control over. What I do have control over is my thoughts, where most of my fears are manifested.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear as a Motivator

One of the reasons we find it hard to completely rid our lives of fear is; fear is a great motivator.

You can apply this to almost any situation. Fear of economic insecurity motivates us to work harder; fear of being alone motivates us to date or enter relationships (whether we should or not!), fear of sickness motivates us to take better care of ourselves (hopefully), the list could go on. So how do we overcome fear and use it to our advantage in a healthy way? The key lies in transforming fear into something useful and productive that enhances our lives and our spiritual journey.

One thing I discovered years ago was that reactionary decisions based solely on fear inevitably placed me in a position which was detrimental to me; whether I realized it at the time or not. Relationships, jobs, you name it; when making decisions based mainly on fear, I found myself in situations that I knew were not right for me. In many cases, the painful realization that I made the wrong decision came later—at the price of my serenity and/or that of others.

Perhaps fear can still be a good thing as it motivates; maybe instead of overcoming fear, we should think about transforming fear into something useful.

While doing research on overcoming fear, I came across a free report by Dr. Tim Ong called Transforming Fear (PDF).

Dr. Ong illustrates what I was talking about above; fear gets things done:

One of the reasons why fear is so prevalent is because it gets things done, often according to what we want. For example, we threaten punishment to our kids for misbehaving. We threaten loss of job for the employee who does not perform. The government threatens fines and imprisonment for those who break the laws. Politicians and marketers are especially skillful in using fear as a motivator to get our votes or sell their products and services. The insurance industry highlights fear in the forms of loss of life or health to sell their products. Even the healthcare industry, particularly some doctors and pharmaceutical companies, uses fear to promote their services and products.

It is important for us to realize that fear begets more fear. The more we focus our lives on fear, the more fear appears in our lives. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle.

Click To Download PDF

In my experience and probably yours, decisions made out of fear rarely end up being right for me, and often lead to more fear or unhappiness. So I concur with Dr. Ong’s findings. Dr. Ong then continues the report with a practical problem solving process consisting of: 1. Identify the Problem, 2. Find its root cause, 3. Determine the solution, and 4. Work towards the solution. Additionally he goes into detail about the nature(cost) of fear, and root causes such as insecurity, loneliness,  and loss. I found his article on fear amazingly accurate and helpful.

Dr. Ong suggests that fear is often manifested, unknowingly by ourselves as a result of our belief system. He then gives a 500 word exercise to help you discover more about your belief system.

I do disagree with Dr. Ong in that all fear is caused by three things: insecurity, loneliness, or loss. I would argue that regardless of the cause, all fear (emotional) comes back to insecurity; both physical and emotional. Isn’t the feeling of loneliness actually the result of feeling inadequate or incapable of finding happiness by ourselves? Maybe a better root cause of fear could simply be the absence of love. I don’t know… maybe that’s a whole different topic.

Overcoming fear is a process we learn, and ultimately we overcome fear by transforming it into something useful. For me, anything that separates me from others or a spiritual guided life is detrimental to my well being. Learning how to identify the cause of my fear is just another step towards enlightenment and thus a healthier spiritual life. Nonetheless, regardless of your belief system, you can learn to overcome fear by identifying the root cause behind the fear itself.

One great point Dr. Ong makes in overcoming fear is, “Fear, like all other emotions, is preceded by a thought. It is in fact a mental state.” So if we learn how to control our thoughts, ultimately we can overcome fear.

If you’re struggling with fear, I encourage you to download Dr. Ong’s report Transforming Fear (PDF). It’s free and you don’t even have to enter your name or email address!

photo credit: Muddy Funkster

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Want to sign your relationship’s death certificate? Then keep trying to “get back to the way things were.”

I hear people say “I wish we could just get back to the way we were” all the time, I’ve been guilty of it myself—a long time ago. It’s dangerous and it’s sentencing your relationship to failure; or at best a boring and emotionally and physically unsatisfying relationship.

The top 6 reasons why this thinking will lead to the end of your relationship:

6. It’s Impossible – So quit trying. The way things were are the way things were, not the way things are. Concentrate on what you can do today to improve your relationship; not what your partner did or didn’t do in the past or may or may not do in the future. The only thing you can control is right now; so go do something nice for your loved one this moment to increase the chance of a better tomorrow.

5. Expectations – “Today’s expectations are tomorrow resentments” or “expectations are resentments in training.” Having unreasonable expectations set upon ourselves and others is the quickest way to resentments. Expecting someone to be the same person they were years or even a few months ago is unreasonable. As far as I’m concerned, resentment should be considered stealing as it robs us of the precious time we have on earth which could be spent loving.

I could write an entire book on why expectations are so damaging. For one, watch any Hollywood love story. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because I’m thinking back of old relationships… when my girlfriend and I would be watching a romantic movie and thinking to ourselves “I wish she/he would touch me or talk to me like that.” Or “ah, he carved a heart into that rock with his teeth then built her a mansion out of Twinkies, how romantic… why don’t you ever do that for me?” Nuff said.

One mistake I made in previous relationships was having expectations yet never sharing them with my partner. That’s just not fair. How can someone ever live up to expectations they aren’t even aware of?

4. Lack of Growth – As the saying goes in business, “if you’re not growing you’re dying.” If you experience something the same way it was “back then,” then you’re not growing and actually loosing ground (or you’re Han Solo and just became unfrozen). As human beings we are constantly growing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. To truly experience a fulfilling life, we must find someone we can continually grow with. If you’re both stuck in the past you’re stunting your chance to grow.

3. Perspective – When you start dating, generally you just want someone to share your time with because you’re lonely. When a relationship is new, you feel all fuzzy inside all the time and just hanging out doing nothing with that person makes you happy. As your relationship changes, so does your perspective on what he/she is in the relationship for. Maybe you start thinking they’re here to make you happy or provide you with everything you need.

Maybe the way things were weren’t really the way things were. We’ve all experienced how emotionally stimulating and charged we are in the beginning of relationships; how the other person can seemingly do no wrong. Was he/she not putting their socks in the hamper from day one and you just didn’t notice or didn’t care because you were blinded by love?

2. Lack of Gratitude – If you’re wanting things to be different, then you’re certainly not grateful for the way things are. If you can’t find something to be grateful for in your relationship and where it is today, get out. Or at least discuss it with them and let them in on it. Then you can both work towards finding gratitude for yourselves and each other.

1. And the #1 reason to avoid getting back to the way things were: It limits you to something you’ve already experienced and lessons the chance you’ll discover something truly unique and amazing!

Why on earth would anyone limit themselves to something they’ve already experienced? OK, I can think of one reason, security. If you’re not feeling secure in your relationship, start looking at yourself first. Are you secure with yourself? If not, no one else is going to be able to give that to you. And you certainly will not find it by constantly requesting your partner become who they were “back when.” No one should be asked to live up, or down, to that.

My wife and I realize our relationship is different now then the first few weeks, months, or years after we met. We actually still have our old emails and read through them every now and then. We laugh at how cheesy we were then and how that first week we only slept about 10 hours because we were up every night talking. I first met my wife at a Starbucks three years ago today; Feb. 25th 2007 at 2:05 pm CST. I appreciate those first few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years for what they were; special, because I’ll never get to live them again. But I’m also grateful for the time we share now and how our relationship has changed into something different then it was then; not worse or better, just different. OK, truth is, better, better, better; but in a different better way… if that makes sense. I look forward to what it will be tomorrow and the day after that and the year after that. I’m not sure where life will take us together but one thing I do know, it will never be the way it used to be; thank God.

So quit trying to get back to the way things were; was it really that great?

What are some ways you cultivate newness in your relationships?

Do you disagree with the idea that “getting back to the way things were” is dooming a relationship to failure?

photo credit: alicepopkorn

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Most fear is an illusion. False Evidence Appearing Real. The things that I fear are created in my mind. Most often, they are based in fear of loosing something I have, or not getting something I think I want. I stress the word think here… more often than not, what I want is not what I need.

Fear knocked at the door and faith answered. No one was there.
-Old English Proverb

Fear is natural, it is meant to keep me safe. The majority of times, however, my fear is unjustified. Why? Because I fear something that has not, or may not even happen. The fear may be based on a past experience that I’m projecting as the possible outcome of a current one. Due to unrealistic expectations, I feared the outcome because it was not what I wanted. Or at least thought I wanted… but it has always been what I needed. I just have to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be.

I have learned to be grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Everything, the good and bad, has contributed to who I am today. So when fear creeps up on me, I remind myself that I don’t always know what is best for me. I have faith that whatever the outcome, I can learn and grow from it.

Lack of faith and control is the cause of my fear.

So to eliminate fear, I need faith and control. That sounds good… I’ll take some of that!

Faith

When I’m living in the moment, little faith is needed. This moment is exactly what it is, no expectations, just is. Experience it, allow it to be, allow it to teach.

A definition of Faith from Webster’s:
1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof

I certainly have no proof of anything in the future. What I do have, is experience. The experience, that if I pay attention to what I’m doing right now—do the best I can in this moment and be the best human being I can be—my life is more fulfilling. I know from experience that if I help someone else, as opposed to doing something selfish, I’ll feel better about myself. I know from experience that when I do the best I can, the outcome is more acceptable, whatever it may be. By doing the best I can in each moment, I am less invested emotionally in the outcome because I have faith it will work out. So I do have faith. Faith that if I take the right action in this moment, something I have no proof of—the future—will work out the way its supposed to.

Ok, so faith… I got some of that now, what about control?

Control

Sometimes I hate dislike the saying “I have no control over people places and things.” That makes me sound like a victim. Things happen in the world around me, not to me. The key to control is, again, staying in the moment, or harnessing the power of now—are you seeing a theme here? This moment is where my actions count, the actions that create my future. So I do have some control. I have control over a lot of things actually.

An example: I’m minding my own “moment” while waiting at a red light. In front of me is a man talking on his cell phone. I’m thinking of how dangerous cell phones are while driving when the light changes to green. The gentleman continues his conversation without noticing the light has changed. I feel a little swell of anger. Now I’m “in tune” with this feeling, I’m in the moment and aware of my surroundings. So instead of anger, I switch to gratitude. I’m grateful for even having a car and home to drive to… heck I’m grateful I have two arms to hold this steering wheel! I gently honk my horn, the man waves and drives forward. I’m happy to be on my way and into the next moment.

I have control over my reaction to situations, which has an impact on my future. Suppose I would have gotten angry, yelled at the guy and flipped him off. Drove home in a fit of anger and pretty much wasted a good 30 minutes if not the entire evening. Not only did I create more misery, I missed every single moment while consumed with anger. At that point, I have lost control.

When I am in the moment, I am in reality and not creating fear out of some illusion. So to eliminate fear, stay in the moment.

Other Resources on Fear

OK, now I have a special treat for you, Guy Finley is an amazing spiritual and life learning teacher. I have included this great audio program from him titled A Whole Life is a Fearless Life.
(click the play icon to listen)
A Whole Life is a Fearless Life – Guy Finley

I’m not usually big on selling products or services, but Guy Finley and his non-profit Life of Learning Foundation is an amazing teacher. His series Secrets of Being Unstoppable really can change your life. He teaches about the “fundamental laws in the universe that govern the workings of all things.” And how you can learn “to harness the immense power of these laws to supercharge your productivity, creativity, and life energy; deepen relationships with your spouse, friends, and family; banish all forms of limitation, negativity, fear, and stress; and realize a permanent success far beyond your imagination.”

I know, it really sounds like the Holy Grail of self-improvement, and I don’t endorse just anyone; but I’ve been a fan of Guy’s for a few years now and love watching his videos and listening to his pod-casts.

I encourage you to check out his Secrets of Being Unstoppable series. Or better yet, sign up for his free Be Fearless Starter Kit.

Additionally, I would encourage you to check out the best books on Amazon dealing with fear.

post photo credit: Guille.

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At 12:34 P.M. Friday,  April 24th 2009, Juniper Pearl came into the world at 7lbs 7oz. My beautiful wife Emily’s son and his wife had a perfect baby girl. So yes, that would make me a 38 year old grandpa. It just doesn’t get any better than this.

A few years ago, prior to meeting my wife, I prayed for two things; that God would put someone special in my life, and that if it was His will, children would be in my future. Reminds me of the Craig Morgan song, “God Must Really Love Me.”

[if viewing via RSS, click "POP OUT PLAYER" button or the post title above, to hear the song.]

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photo credit: mwlguide

The following scene from field of dreams always resonates with me. This is where Kevin Costner’s character Ray is asked by his father John if he’s in heaven:

John Kinsella: Is this heaven?
Ray Kinsella: It’s Iowa.
John Kinsella: Iowa? I could have sworn this was heaven.
[John starts to walk away]
Ray Kinsella: Is there a heaven?
John Kinsella: Oh yeah. It’s the place where dreams come true.
[Ray looks around, seeing his wife playing with their daughter on the porch]
Ray Kinsella: Maybe this is heaven.

For the majority of my life, I felt that “if only” I could achieve this, or obtain that, then I would be happy. And heaven? Well that was just a place I may or may not go to reflect on my life. I would deal with that then.

Ray’s heaven is a house where his wife and daughter can enjoy afternoon’s on the porch. Where he’s given the courage to follow a dream no matter how crazy others think he is. Where something inside him drives him because he knows in his heart it is true and pure. It is him. Where his faith was tested and at times he considered giving up, but in the end he stuck to the truth he felt within and he discovered heaven.

My heaven is inside me today. It’s the feeling that I am human, that I need help, and if I need it today I will ask for it. Heaven is a loving wife who accepts me for who I am, and nothing else. Heaven is a loving God. Heaven is picking up the phone and listening to someone in need. But most importantly, heaven is accepting the consequences of being myself.

What’s your heaven look like?

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photo credit: Christ0ff

Yesterday, after my morning prayer & meditation, I wrote down a passage from “The Christmas Sweater” by Glenn  Beck. I wrote it down to share with a group of people I would be speaking to that afternoon. The passage is dialog between little Eddie, the main character, and his mother. Eddie is upset about his fathers recent death and not getting the bike he wanted for Christmas. Below is what I wrote on a piece of paper and shoved in the back pocket of my jeans.

Page 108 of The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck

“I know that things have been hard since Dad died. But it’s been hard for both of us. At some point you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason, learn from it, and let it take you to the place you’re supposed to be—not just where you have ended up.”  “…you can either complain about how hard your life is, or you can realize that only you are responsible for it. You get to choose: Am I going to be happy or miserable? And nothing—not a sweater, and certainly not a bike—will ever change that.”

What a powerful message: “At some point you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. It is up to you to find that reason, learn from it, and let it take you to the place you’re supposed to be—not just where you have ended up.”

I didn’t share this passage during my speech, I forgot. But after speaking, a women approached me with tears in her eyes. She told me about her son who had recently committed suicide. I told her I was sorry, gave her a hug and then remembered the sheet of paper in my back pocket. I pulled it out and handed it to her.

Some say that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. I don’t think it has to be, but it certainly is a great motivator. To learn and grow from something I have to accept it no matter how painful it is. However, accepting something means taking responsibility for it, and if I’m responsible, I have to do something about it. That can be hard. It’s also important to remember that just because I accept something, does not mean I have to like it. By accepting it, I am able to learn from it and move into becoming a survivor instead of victim.

I’ve never lost a child, but I hope that when I do lose someone I love, I will remember those who have shown me it can be done with grace.

To truly move past a painful experience I must feel it, and let it take me to where I’m supposed to be. Where I believe God wants me to be—happy joyous and free. Whether I believe that or not at the time, I’ve got to move towards that place of freedom and love.  As long as I view the situation as  “…well, this is where I’ve ended up,” I’m playing the victim and risk slipping into a morass of self-pity. Which for me, can be deadly.

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A few weeks ago I purchased an engagement ring for my girlfriend Emily. The weekend prior I asked her father for permission to propose to his daughter. His response was “welcome to the family!” My plan had been to propose while in Kauai on November 30th while looking out over an amazing sunset or sunrise. I had the whole thing planned, I’d record my voice over the top of “our song” and play it for her through my mp3 player. Emily’s father said something to me when I shared this with him, “why wait to share good news? When you have something good to share, why wait?” I told myself, “because I want it to be perfect!” And so I would wait, an entire month before asking the women I loved to spend the rest of her life with me.

Skip ahead two weeks, it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m going for my daily run. I was listening to a Darius Rucker song “Learn To Live:”

you gotta live to learn
you gotta crash and burn
you gotta make some stances
and take some chances
you gotta live and love
and take all life has to give
you gotta live and learn
so you can learn to live

While listening and running, I was overcome with such joy and gratitude, I starting raising my arms and waving to every vehicle that passed by. Some waved back with smiles on their faces, others thought I was crazy. I actually broke down in tears and I realized we only live once, and I had something great I wanted to share and couldn’t wait any longer. So I went inside, put the headphones on my girlfriend, let her listen to how much she meant to me, and asked her to marry me. She said yes!

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