Life can be a lot like potholes; you start to learn where they are and how to avoid them. But what happens when you keep hitting the same ones? Maybe you should start thinking about a new route. Pretty simple huh? So why don’t we apply the same thinking to behaviors that continually cause us emotional pain?

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
-Albert Einstein

Most people avoid pain if possible; much like potholes once they know where they are. Albert from Urban Monk post titled False Patterns, False Meanings reminded me how strongly I had clung to “my story” for so many years. Most of us have a story (or two) that defines us, influences our decisions and has a lot to do with our perception of the world around us. The amazing and almost scary thing about my story, was I didn’t even realize I was living it. I can see my old story clearly now that I’m living a different one.

My Old Story:
I’m not good enough. Period. OK, there was more to it than that, but basically just all the “stuff” that goes along with not being good enough, such as the inability to give and receive Love completely and “add fear du jour here.” As I mentioned above, I didn’t realize I was living this story, its just the way things were. Mostly I played out the story to avoid emotional pain. If it was uncomfortable (e.g. intimate relationships) I went the other way and would eventually hit the same pothole again; different person, same results. Insanity.

I remember one girl I dated who started discussing marriage and buying a house after several months of dating. I really liked her, not sure if I loved her, but that talk made me feel really uncomfortable. Not because I thought the relationship was moving fast, but because I didn’t feel worthy of having a house. My credit was bad, I was not husband material, all these stories about who I was influenced my decisions and actions. A few months later I gave her the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Most my relationships ended that way, although many also ended with them saying, “it’s not me, it’s you.” Which just meant they beat me to it. Moreover, I did not realize this was what I was doing; I thought I was busy following my dreams.

My New Story:
I am good enough. Period. And yes, there is SO much more to it than that which is what this entire blog is about.

The difference today is I don’t avoid emotional pain, even though I rarely experience any. At least not yet, but I know I will; its inevitable. Today, if I experience emotional pain, I can feel it for what it is and move on. It doesn’t have to define me or become part of my story. The more often I do this, the more I get comfortable with overcoming fear of emotional pain.

Like the potholes on my route home from work, I hit them a few times the first couple of days as they grow deeper, but I know where they are now and with careful adjustment I can miss them entirely. Someday soon they’ll be filled and new ones will develop somewhere else and I’ll have to learn all over again. But at least I’ll keep driving, and I’m grateful for that.

photo credit: iamos

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It’s a rainy day in 2004 and my fiance’ and I are sitting at an intersection waiting for the light to change. I can see our destination across the intersection; a loan office where a check is waiting for our engagement ring. My gut is telling me this isn’t the right thing to be doing (the marriage not the loan) so I pick a fight. I’m not equipped emotionally to know what I need or want out of life; all I know is the fear of being alone. My fiance’ begins to cry and I fear she does not love me, so I tell her I love her and everything is going to be OK. We pick up the loan check. We get married in January of ‘05 and annulled six months later. Looking back, fear influenced nearly every decision in my life.

As I have transformed my life into a purposeful spiritual journey, one thing has become abundantly clear; fear had been and continues to be at the root of most of my problems. The fear I experience is usually rooted in two beliefs: 1) that I’m not going to get something I think I want, or 2) that I’m about to lose something I think I have. I emphasis think in both instances because most of what I have is merely an illusion. In that they’re material or contingent on others; neither one of which I have control over. What I do have control over is my thoughts, where most of my fears are manifested.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Fear as a Motivator

One of the reasons we find it hard to completely rid our lives of fear is; fear is a great motivator.

You can apply this to almost any situation. Fear of economic insecurity motivates us to work harder; fear of being alone motivates us to date or enter relationships (whether we should or not!), fear of sickness motivates us to take better care of ourselves (hopefully), the list could go on. So how do we overcome fear and use it to our advantage in a healthy way? The key lies in transforming fear into something useful and productive that enhances our lives and our spiritual journey.

One thing I discovered years ago was that reactionary decisions based solely on fear inevitably placed me in a position which was detrimental to me; whether I realized it at the time or not. Relationships, jobs, you name it; when making decisions based mainly on fear, I found myself in situations that I knew were not right for me. In many cases, the painful realization that I made the wrong decision came later—at the price of my serenity and/or that of others.

Perhaps fear can still be a good thing as it motivates; maybe instead of overcoming fear, we should think about transforming fear into something useful.

While doing research on overcoming fear, I came across a free report by Dr. Tim Ong called Transforming Fear (PDF).

Dr. Ong illustrates what I was talking about above; fear gets things done:

One of the reasons why fear is so prevalent is because it gets things done, often according to what we want. For example, we threaten punishment to our kids for misbehaving. We threaten loss of job for the employee who does not perform. The government threatens fines and imprisonment for those who break the laws. Politicians and marketers are especially skillful in using fear as a motivator to get our votes or sell their products and services. The insurance industry highlights fear in the forms of loss of life or health to sell their products. Even the healthcare industry, particularly some doctors and pharmaceutical companies, uses fear to promote their services and products.

It is important for us to realize that fear begets more fear. The more we focus our lives on fear, the more fear appears in our lives. It becomes a never ending vicious cycle.

Click To Download PDF

In my experience and probably yours, decisions made out of fear rarely end up being right for me, and often lead to more fear or unhappiness. So I concur with Dr. Ong’s findings. Dr. Ong then continues the report with a practical problem solving process consisting of: 1. Identify the Problem, 2. Find its root cause, 3. Determine the solution, and 4. Work towards the solution. Additionally he goes into detail about the nature(cost) of fear, and root causes such as insecurity, loneliness,  and loss. I found his article on fear amazingly accurate and helpful.

Dr. Ong suggests that fear is often manifested, unknowingly by ourselves as a result of our belief system. He then gives a 500 word exercise to help you discover more about your belief system.

I do disagree with Dr. Ong in that all fear is caused by three things: insecurity, loneliness, or loss. I would argue that regardless of the cause, all fear (emotional) comes back to insecurity; both physical and emotional. Isn’t the feeling of loneliness actually the result of feeling inadequate or incapable of finding happiness by ourselves? Maybe a better root cause of fear could simply be the absence of love. I don’t know… maybe that’s a whole different topic.

Overcoming fear is a process we learn, and ultimately we overcome fear by transforming it into something useful. For me, anything that separates me from others or a spiritual guided life is detrimental to my well being. Learning how to identify the cause of my fear is just another step towards enlightenment and thus a healthier spiritual life. Nonetheless, regardless of your belief system, you can learn to overcome fear by identifying the root cause behind the fear itself.

One great point Dr. Ong makes in overcoming fear is, “Fear, like all other emotions, is preceded by a thought. It is in fact a mental state.” So if we learn how to control our thoughts, ultimately we can overcome fear.

If you’re struggling with fear, I encourage you to download Dr. Ong’s report Transforming Fear (PDF). It’s free and you don’t even have to enter your name or email address!

photo credit: Muddy Funkster

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On our recent trip to Cozumel I had an interesting experience. On our second day of diving I had an issue with my regulator. The regulator, which consists of multiple parts, is what enables you to breathe underwater. Pretty important.

First a little background.

Up until a few years ago I had never gotten sea sick, but it seems that once I started diving, smaller boats seem to make me a little nauseous. Specifically during surface intervals (SI) (the time on the surface between dives to allow an excess nitrogen release from your body). SI’s are generally spent sitting on a boat or on the way to the next dive site which can be brutal. I’ve spent a few feeding the fish. I’ve tried everything, ginger pills, bonine, etc. but this time I had a prescription for the motion sickness patch you put behind your ear. I got the prescription last summer and tried the patch a few days while at home to make sure it didn’t have any weird effect and it seemed fine. The first day diving in Cozumel I was fine without the patch, the sea was calm and the boat we were on was fairly large. The second day was calling for choppy seas so the night before I put the patch on. In the middle of the night I woke up a little dizzy, the patch was making me feel a little disoriented and nauseous. I know… isn’t it suppose to prevent that? Being a recovering alcoholic, I’m really, really, really careful about taking any medication and never take anything that makes me feel “different.” I don’t like feeling different, I like having a clear head and connected spiritually. So when I woke up a little disoriented I immediately took the patch off.

Upon waking to go diving around 7:30 a.m., I was still a little “off” but after breakfast and a little coffee I was fine. We got on the boat and headed out to the first dive which was scheduled for around 80ft. When traveling, the only SCUBA equipment we bring are our wetsuits, fins, and masks. We rent the rest (BCD and regulators), tanks and weights are always included as part of the dive packages. So basically we rent the most crucial part of breathing under water, the regulator. This is fairly common since carrying all this stuff while traveling can be a pain and most dive shops are good about changing out their equipment and have them serviced regularly. Once on the dive boat, you connect all your gear, turn on your air, put the regulator in your mouth and make sure you can get air out of it. That’s about all you really know at this point about your regulator, that air does come out of it.

For some reason on this trip I decided to wear a 5mm full wetsuit, which is pretty thick for tropical waters, but I don’t like getting cold. The thicker and newer the wetsuit, the more positively buoyant you are thus the more weight you need to descend. I was pretty sure I had enough weight (18 lbs), which worked the day before. So… I (along with the other 6 divers and my wife) get all our gear on and giant stride of the back of the boat into the ocean one after another like penguins. Everyone begins to descend as I’m clearing out and refitting my mask. I release the air from my BC and begin to descend… maybe. I’m not descending as quickly as usual… maybe I don’t have enough weight. No big deal, I’ll just invert a little and kick my way down. As I begin to invert and get farther submerged I notice my regulator isn’t breathing that easily, actually it feels as if there’s a kink in it. I breath a little harder and continue to invert and start kicking. As I do, being almost upside down causes some water to come into my regulator and I sort of choke on it.

OK, this totally freaks me out and I immediately surface. Meanwhile all the other divers are now at about 15 – 20 feet while the dive master (DM) is hanging out to make sure I’m OK. On the surface I explain that my regulator is breathing “funny” as I’m coughing and switching over to my octopus (secondary air source). I’m sort of embarrassed. The DM says OK and begins to descend down to catch up with the other divers. Still coughing I look over at the dive boat floating about 30 feet away as the captain stairs down at me from a rocking boat and asks if everything is OK. I say or motion something like, “I’m not sure.” I think about getting back on the boat and calling it quits. I’m also thinking I feel a little disoriented because of the patch but I’m not sure. I realize that if I do get sick, I’ll be sitting on the boat for the next 45 minutes while the other divers finish their dive. That doesn’t sound attractive either. I’ve learned from experience, that the sooner you get submerged and relax the sickness and nausea will usually go away. All this is going through my head as I reposition my mask and test breathing out of my octopus. Seems to be breathing OK… let’s try this again.

This time I ascend using my octopus as my primary air source and hold onto it with my hand as I invert and begin kicking. My breathing is quickening as the anxiety is still in my head and I’m questioning whether or not I can do this. I’m still close enough to the surface and every part of my body is saying, “Go up, not down!” Besides freaking out, I’m beating myself up for freaking out, I can do this! I remind myself that I have air, everything is alright, just keep kicking. The farther I get from the surface the more I realize that if I get past a certain depth, there’s no going back. I look at my dive computer, 20 feet… keep breathing. What is it… the NDL (No Decompression Limit)? OH yeah, well since this is my first dive of the day, 60 feet is the maximum no decompression depth I can get to and still do an emergency ascent without exploding my lungs… at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I should have refreshed my dive knowledge on the plane down here. I see my wife with her fingers in the OK sign, asking me if I’m OK. I sign back, “I’m OK” although I’m only partly sure. This dive is to a maximum of 80 feet so I know I’ll be past 60 feet for a while. I look at my dive watch, 45 feet. I can see all the other divers now towards the bottom and what a beautiful view. God the ocean is so beautiful. Oh yeah, I’m 50 feet underwater and I’m breathing. That’s right, I’m breathing. I have air coming through this hose and into my lungs. I check my air gauge, 2800 PSI, I have plenty of air. I can breath and wow, look at all the fish. 60 feet and the current is starting to take me and I’m catching up to the other divers. I reach my right hand back behind my right hip and feel for the air dump that’s usually found on most BCD’s. Ahh, there it is; I pull it hard to make sure I’ve gotten all the air out of my BCD to help me continue descending. I still have the regulator in my hand holding it firm in my mouth. I think about maybe switching back to my primary and run through the procedure in my mind; take a breath, pull the octopus out of my mouth remembering to slowly blow bubbles while switching regulators (you never hold your breathe while diving, you’re lungs can expand and it’s not good), put the primary in my mouth, purge it, exhale any air left in my lungs and breathe. Wait… this one has air and I’m doing fine, you might inhale some water and you’re just now recovering from freak mode. Leave it alone.

Once I reached about 75 feet and stabilized my buoyancy I began to relax. I knew I was down here for the long-haul now and needed to get a control on my breathing to conserve air. I’m an air-head anyway and am sure my anxiousness used up more than usual on the descent. I don’t want to be the first one low on air, again. So I relax and tell myself I’m OK, that I have air (2500 PSI), and to just breathe normally and let the current do the work. God this is beautiful. I have air, I’m OK.

The dive ended fine and I didn’t have any issues the rest of the week.

Many times in my life I go back to the first days of recovery and remind myself that in any given moment, everything is OK. When life get’s crazy or seemingly too much to handle, sometimes all I can do is stop and remind myself to breathe. I have air and everything is OK. That right now, in this moment, everything is fine.

Although I’m thinking about purchasing my own regulator.

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Two nights ago it happened. My wife and I had just finished dinner and I was watching TV when I was consumed with this overall feeling of dread. Doom and gloom from out of nowhere. I could not put my finger on the reason why, but I was overcome with this feeling of hopelessness and that something in the universe was not right. There was a disturbance in the force or as Obi-Wan put it “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.” OK, that’s a little dramatic, but sometimes it can certainly feel that way when you’re normally brimming with gratitude.

So I laid back on the couch and just felt it. I considered grabbing a pen and paper and writing a gratitude list, knowing the action would help and then I could share how I “walk the walk.” But I didn’t, instead I used the power of now and then went through a mental list of all that I was grateful for such as my wife, granddaughter, parents, job, legs, food, home, etc. and that all my basic needs were met.

I know I talk about gratitude a lot, but it is important. Get used to it.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
-Melody Beattie

Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Nonconformity, listed three parts of gratitude in his Zen Habits guest post, “Three Truths to Help You Create a Life of Gratitude”

A life of gratitude is composed of three parts that combine to make a whole.

1. A sense of purpose in our lives

2. An appreciation for the lives of those around us

3. A willingness to take action to show the gratitude we feel

Finding A Sense of Purpose
Finding a sense of purpose in one’s life is no small task. For most of my life, I thought “the purpose” was to find happiness. This thinking simply brought on years of self-will and wrestling with most forces in life. Through the gift of desperation, I realized a life run on self-will alone puts me in conflict with the universe and everyone in it. Think about it, if we’re all trying to run our lives on self-will, getting the most out of life for ourselves, who’s looking out for each other?

It’s like when my wife and I go to Home Depot on the weekends. It’s really quite funny. We get all dressed up and looking nice just in case someone sees us. I mean really! Isn’t everyone else just going around doing the same thing—wondering how everyone sees them? (OK, maybe not…) The good thing is we’re able to laugh at ourselves about it.

Finding a sense of purpose can be as easy as doing what makes you happy. I found that living a life based on spiritual principles and helping others as much as I can makes me happy. That life is not a search for happiness but a by-product of right living. I used to think I had to change the world, you know, really make a difference! Today I look for my life purpose each and every day. My morning prayer is, “God, show me what you will have me do today and give me the strength and willingness to carry it out.” When I approach each day with this attitude, anything is possible!

Appreciate Those Around You
Appreciation is an action, look at those around you in everyday life and see what you can do to make their lives better. Here’s something to try. The next time you feel frustrated, angry, or upset because you feel someone just doesn’t understand, try being understanding rather than understood.

Bringing joy to those around you is a great way to show your appreciation for them. One of my favorite parts of the movie The Bucket List is when Carter poses the two questions which are asked of Egyptians entering heaven: “Have you found joy in your life?” and “Has your life brought joy to others?” Bring joy to others and you’ll find joy yourself.

Gratitude is an Action
I love it, just love it—anything to do with action! I use to think about getting flowers or a gift for someone, but never really took any action. I was too busy achieving happiness. People’s happiness comes from my actions, not my intentions. I refer to those days as my ten dollar days. I would never put more than ten dollars worth of gas in my car at a time. I had the money, just no patience—always in a hurry to someplace to do something for myself. It is simple—doing things for others shows them you appreciate them.

There are so many ways you can take action to show gratitude, such as how you treat yourself and your possessions. Are you grateful for your life and your body? Trying exercising. Are you grateful for your car? Try washing it. Are you grateful for your clothes? …OK, I didn’t really think “try washing them” would be that impactful so how about this… If you’re grateful for having more than enough clothes, give some of them away to a local shelter.

I try to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain great conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know.”
-Bill Wilson

So as I lay there on the couch and think of all that I am grateful for, the feeling of dread lifts just a little. I got on my knees and said a simple prayer, “God, thank you for your Grace and Confidence” and went up stairs to share my feelings with my wife. (I share everything, it’s good practice for when I’m making unreasonable demands of myself) She kisses me and tells me she loves me—it lifts a little more.

From experience I know that emotions are just emotions, that they change, and that This Too Shall Pass. The next morning I rise and am grateful for another day as a flower is for the sun.

Closing Side Nugget: When writing about a topic I think up a ton of other things to write about. One that immediately comes to mind is the powerful realization that emotions do not last forever. I suppose it may feel that way for some. I remember when I was suffering from alcohol depression, and the constant feeling of doom I carried in my soul. I had no purpose for my life, no gratitude, and felt those feelings would last forever. I can relate to those who may feel such emotions for extended periods of time and how suicide can seem attractive. OK, I realize that is a bold statement, but there was a time in my life when suicide was a very real option. That is when I asked for help and was desperate enough to do whatever it took to get better. If you feel hopelessness and despair, please ask someone for help. It’s out there and there are people who truly do understand what you’re going through. I still get those feelings from time to time, so I have accumulated a set of tools that I pull out and use—like gratitude! And I tell myself, this too shall pass.

photo credit: furbychan

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Before I was able to have true and meaningful relationships with others, I had to learn how to have a relationship with myself. That’s hard when you don’t really know yourself. Although I didn’t know what I didn’t know… you know? I realized by reviewing my past and the way I had been living, I wasn’t a very good friend to myself.

How do I continue learning about myself? Here are a few actions which help me:

1. Prayer and Meditation
2. Daily inventory
   Reviewing my day’s interactions with others each night before bed. Where do I need improvement? Do I need to make any apologies or ask anyone for forgiveness? Is there someone I need to forgive? Make notes and take action.
3. Ask someone I love how I can be more of service to them and their needs.
   This can be anyone for that matter, not only a loved one but a co-worker.
4. Identifying emotions
   When I feel a certain uneasiness, I try to identify what it is and write it down [action]. Most of the time this feeling is based in fear. But fear wears many masks so finding the reason can be difficult. As I say often, it is usually fear of losing something I think I have or not getting something I think I want. This to me is lack of faith. So one of the keys to overcoming fear is having faith.
5. Doing something uncomfortable
   This almost always teaches me something about myself. Where my comfort zone is, is it larger or smaller, etc.. For example striking up a conversation with a total stranger. I learn several things from this: one, I’m not as introverted as I think I am and two, people are a lot friendly then I thought they were.

I can still give myself a hard time. Like mumbling under my breath “that was stupid you idiot.” If my beautiful wife Emily is within earshot, she’ll usually respond with “hey, don’t talk to my friend that way.” Now, more often then not, when my inner voice tells me I’m no good, I hear “hey don’t talk to my friend that way.” She refers to that as thrive learning sometimes.

By recognizing self-deprecation, I learn about myself. I learn to be kinder. Being kinder and more loving inwards allows me to be kinder and more loving outwards.

What do you do to learn about yourself?

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