In a recent job interview I was asked “what are you best at?” My answer was communicating, inspiring, and remaining calm under pressure. The next question was, “how much time do you spend doing those things in your current position?” My answer… hmm, well, at first I said none but then changed it to maybe 10%. After which I shifted in my seat, gave my real serious look and said, “Here’s the deal… I wake up each morning and remind myself I’m here to be of service to others; and that I can be of service regardless of my job title.” Also known as—I’m an optimist and make the best out of any situation—speech. It became obvious I wasn’t currently in a position—professionally—to excel at what I do best. Since then I’ve been thinking about something…

How did I develop good communication skills?

The answer: getting to know myself and practice.

The ironic thing is I used to be a horrible communicator. The trail of failed relationships in my past is testimony to that. How did I go from captain (mis)communicator to where I’m at today? A place where my wife—just a few days ago—asked me, “How did you get so good at relationships and communicating?” I thought for a quick second and realized it wasn’t something I set out to accomplish; it was a by-product of self-acceptance and developing a healthy relationship with self. Becoming a good communicator was sort of by accident…

There is no shortage of top-ten lists or keys to effective communication on the web or your local bookstore (Let me Google that for you). I rarely research my topics—anyone can give you keys to effective communication—what I offer is actual experience and what has worked for me. So here are my suggestions, based on my experience, on developing good communication skills.

Disclaimer: Sometimes I still suck fail at communicating effectively. Although I am better at identifying what’s hindering my effectiveness (e.g. fear, ego).

Know Yourself

The single most effective way of relating to others is being in touch with our own emotions. I remember hearing the term get it out of your head and into your heart. It confused the hell out of me as I had no idea what they were talking about. In trying to think of a way to explain this, the simplest thing I can think of is: it takes one to know one.

The more we learn about ourselves as individuals, the better we understand others. It just makes sense, it’s logical. It’s like learning to speak the same language. Thus we’re better able to communicate.

Listen

We spend most of our time waiting for our turn to speak rather than listening. I’m still guilty of this from time to time. You know… that little voice in your head that’s suggesting something fantastic to say if they’d only stop jabbering for a minute so you can wow them with your brilliance? The moment the voice (ego) weighs in we tune out.

Here’s what I do:

As the voice starts to speak up, I recognize it and quickly tell myself (silently of course), “if it’s that important, God will put the words in my mouth when its time.” Then I try and get back to listening. Maybe you’re thinking… how can you be listening if you’re talking to yourself? Good question, it gets easier with practice—recognizing the voice, silencing it, and having the faith it will speak up when it’s time.

When we’re really listening, we identify better with a person’s emotions and experiences. See again how this all comes back to truly knowing ourselves! The ability to connect on an emotional level creates sincerity in the conversation. I have a friend who’s really good at this… he makes you feel as if you’re the most important person in his life at that moment.

Stop Judging

Most people don’t realize how visible their opinions are when communicating. We’ll get more into this when talking about body language, but when we’re judging someone, it shows. Again, this comes back to truly accepting ourselves. If we’re insecure or unclear of our own identity it’s easier to look for flaws in others.

Our ego gets involved and looks for ways of elevating us above the other person. “You’re stupid for doing it that way; this is how you should do it.” Self-righteousness will come through in our communication and create conflict between those involved.

Until we get the ego out of the way, we’re not really communicating; we’re just feeding our looking-good racket. Even the best communicators can really suck at it sometimes; emotions and ego often get in the way and cloud our judgment.

Be Understanding Rather Than Understood

Being understanding rather than understood is a passage I love from the Prayer of St. Francis and can literally change your life. Knowing and understanding self greatly increased the ability to understand others. When communicating, try and put yourself in their shoes. Granted this might be difficult if you’ve never experienced something similar, but try and relate to the emotions you hear them expressing. If you’re in touch with your own emotions, it’s easier to get a feel of what they’re going through.

When was the last time you really tried to convince someone of something? Something you knew in your heart was the right thing to do but they just couldn’t understand or balked at your suggestion or advice. It can be really frustrating.

Now, think about a time when someone was giving you advice or a suggestion. Maybe deep in your gut you felt true to the way you were approaching the situation. There was just something inside that insisted the other person didn’t know what they were talking about.

Now apply that same feeling or situation to the person you’re trying to persuade. Be understanding of their situation rather than insisting they just don’t understand what you’re trying to say. If you’re thinking, “they just don’t get it,” then you’re not communicating effectively. More importantly, it’s not your job to make them get anything; that’s their job. Just listen and give suggestions based on your experience.

I don’t know about you, but the most effective change I ever made was when I realized I didn’t have the answer and asked someone I trusted for help. The best thing you can do is show your expertise in a certain area by actions. Trust me, if someone needs or wants something you have, they’ll ask for it when ready. People are ready for advice and suggestions when they ask! Insisting they take you’re advice before they’re ready will only push them away. Sadly it usually takes emotional pain for most of us to be ready.

Validate Emotions

One of the biggest mistakes I made in previous relationships was the inability to accept my partner’s emotions. Here are a couple comments that may sound familiar:

• “I can’t believe you feel that way.”
• “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
• “Obviously you misunderstood me if you feel that way”

Hogwash and total bull crap! (I know, I have such a foul mouth) Insisting that someone shouldn’t feel a certain way is like telling them they shouldn’t breath. If you feel it, then it’s valid! Emotions are neither good or bad, wrong or right, they’re just emotions. What we need to look at is the underlying cause of the emotion. As communicators, we have an opportunity to help facilitate the discovery process. We have to be careful here though… as the underlying cause may be something we have done (more than likely it’s due to our poor communication). This is where our ego steps in to protect itself and sabotage the communication. It may insist they shouldn’t feel that way… surely they misunderstood.

Give people the dignity to own and feel their emotions.

Body Language

There’s an entire science behind body language (actually I don’t know if there is, that just sounded good and I couldn’t find an actual “science” via Google). Point being, it’s a broad topic and one I find interesting. I’ll just touch on a few things I practice or have learned.

Whether we know it or not, our body is giving off signals as to how engaged we are in communication. For example, having your arms crossed sends a closed off and unreceptive signal while an open stance sends one that is more inviting. Pay attention to how you’re standing or sitting when listening to someone.

Great communicators listen well and stay engaged in the conversation. I have a tendency to tune-out sometimes and stop “really” listening halfway through a conversation. I may fiddle with my cell phone, try to listen to the TV or something in the background, or just gaze while the other person is talking. The gazing part is a response to my brain tuning out; either to listen to something else or chatting up a storm about my response. People pick up on that. At least I know my wife does because she’ll start saying things like “so I mowed my tongue today” just to see if I’m listening. Trust me, if she notices, so do other people. Even though I still do this at times, I’m better able to catch myself and re-engage in the conversation—hopefully before they notice I left.

When I was a restaurant manager I learned to read the body language of customers. You can tell when approaching a table if they’re engaging people or just want to be left alone. You can tell, just by watching, what they need. Maybe they’re looking at their hands and wish they had another napkin or swiveling their head looking for help. Likewise, people give off signals as to what they’re feeling.

It goes back to the idea; it takes one to know one. Being in-tune with our emotions helps us feel the energy and emotions of others more easily. Those emotions come out in eye movements, hand placement, and all sorts of subtle changes in body language.

Remember the saying; Get it out of your head and into your heart? As we improve in all areas of communication through self-awareness, we can actually move past verbal communication alone and actually begin to feel conversations. It’s hard to explain. If someone is hurting you can feel it as it comes out in their body language and expression; likewise with joy and happiness.

Reduce Emotional Investment

This may be the most difficult area to master and one which many of you might disagree.

Having an emotional investment in the outcome of an interaction or conversation with someone increases the chance that our communication will be tainted by our ego’s agenda.

If you take my advice then I am right and I am a good person.

If we’re emotionally invested in the outcome of an experience or conversation, our ego or motive is driven to control the outcome in our favor. If we feel disliked or have a low self-esteem, we’re likely to sway the conversation towards something that will make us look good. This is normal and still happens to me all the time. I’ll often walk away from a conversation realizing I just made the exchange all about me. This is when I can determine if I need to apologize or connect with them again briefly to let them know I heard what they said and was taking them seriously.

To be emotionally detached from the outcome of a conversation does not mean you don’t care. It means that no matter what the outcome, you’re still able to maintain an overall sense of inner-peace and emotional stability. For me, getting to a place where happiness and peace is not contingent on outside sources is the goal. Some day’s I’m closer to that goal than others; consequently my communication is better. The more in-tune I am with my inner voice, emotions, or “gut” the better I am at communicating. That’s why prayer and meditation are an important part of my day. If my head is full of crap spinning around, I’m probably not going to be a very good communicator.

Communicating with a Partner or Spouse

This is where everything gets deep and we must rely more than ever on love and acceptance of self. This is where the rubber hits the road and we practice faith in ourselves and God’s love for us.

As we grow and mature spiritually and emotionally, we become more open, honest, and secure with who we are as individuals. This results in less need for outside sources for validation and acceptance. Thus we’re better able to give and receive love—unconditionally.

It is a beautiful thing when two emotional mature human beings share themselves with each other—which is how I view my wife and I today. The reason we communicate so well is we are both secure with who we are as individuals—separate from the other. Make no mistake about it though, we do have differences of opinions and sometimes even heated discussions. But we truly respect each other and only want what’s best for us and our marriage. This means sometimes deciding to be happy rather than right.

The faith comes in when sharing feelings, thoughts, or emotions with your partner; in faith that we are loved unconditionally by God. Now most people would say “don’t you mean loved unconditionally by your partner?” Surely you would hope so, but love and acceptance for self begins with the belief that we’re loved unconditionally regardless of our circumstances. The point here is that when we share our lives and inner-most feelings with someone (anyone), we must feel somewhat complete and whole—or we’re going to filter what we share in fear we won’t be accepted or loved. Have you ever shared just enough of something with your partner to see what their reaction is going to be? Then, based on how they react, alter what you say or do?

One HUGE breakthrough in my ability to communicate effectively with my wife (shortly after we first met) was the day I took a chance. A chance that even if I shared my inner-most feelings, emotions, fears, etc. that she might just stick around. This worked because I was already OK with myself and knew I would be fine if she left or thought less of me. Sure it would suck, but the reality was, my inner-peace and clear conscience meant more to me and was bigger than any one person or relationship; regardless of how much they meant to me. So I had faith, took a chance, opened up and was completely honest. A funny thing happened, not only did she stick around; she was inspired and loved me even more for being honest.

Your homework; is to practice an ancient Sufi tradition: In your life together, speak words to your beloved only if they can pass through 3 gates: First, is it truthful? Second, is it necessary? Third, is it kind? If your words are truthful & necessary & kind, then the love you have maintained up until today will be nourished and continue to grow & your name will continue to remain safe in your beloved’s mouth.
-The Guaranteed Way to Never Say Something You’ll Regret!

Granted this is a lot easier said then done. Even though I know this whole concept in theory, I still fall back into old habits sometimes. Or I should say old fears.

It’s been my experience that being completely honest about everything is a lot easier. Although I do believe it works best when the individuals involved are secure with themselves and emotionally mature. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to not take everything your partner says personal. If you really want your partner to be completely honest and open with you, make sure they know you love them unconditionally no matter what. I guess you’d better make sure you do though… because it will show.

A therapist told me once I suffered from conflict avoidance… the term is pretty self-explanatory. Although I thought the word suffer was a little extreme. Anyway, I would bet most people would rather avoid conflict—I know that’s not always the case but we’ll leave the discussion of what their payoff is for another time. The important thing here is paying attention to how you react to what your partner is communicating. If you’re reaction is negative, they’re liable to avoid sharing such information with you again. I know this seems illogical and practically impossible to follow; not showing deep emotion when someone shares something hurtful with you. But if we’re coming from a place of love and acceptance, there really isn’t anything that can cause us harm. Plus, we cannot change what the person has already done. What we can control is our reaction and what we do from this point forward.

One technique I use when learning of something that may seemingly be hurtful to me, is ask myself: have I done the same thing? Chances are, at some point in my life I have done the exact same thing or something similar; this allows me to be understanding and empathetic.

I used to hate the question, “what are you feeling?” The truth was I just didn’t know. So I made up something; usually something I knew they wanted to hear. I didn’t know who I was as a person and continually searched outside myself for happiness and acceptance. The result was terrible communication since every conversation was conducted by my ego trying to keep itself safe.

The Bottom Line

If you want to develop better communication skills, start building a healthy relationship with yourself. Start by opening the lines of communication with your inner-self. After all, you have to be with YOU more than anyone else; you might as well learn how to get along!

What skills do you practice to become a better communicator?

Oh, one more thing – I got the job!

photo credit: joshfassbind.com

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Secret About: Change and Spiritual Growth
• How to eliminate fear
• The Greatest Gift
• The Power of Spiritual Love and 22 Ways It Will Change Your Life
• Does Everything Really Happen for a Reason?

You hear people say it all the time: “Everything Happens for a Reason”

This saying, or idea, intrigues me. My logical brain (which I try not to entertain too much) views it as a tool for dealing with acceptance, although this tool only works when we choose to use it ourselves. Most of us know you shouldn’t walk up to someone who just experienced some tragic event, be all optimistic and say, “everything happens for a reason dude.” You may get punched in the face for good reason.

In a sense, I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, I believe God reveals things to me or puts people and circumstances in my life, but it’s what I learn from those experiences that brings reason to them. It’s more a matter of faith; faith that no matter what the obstacle, I can get through it and learn from it. A faith that only comes from experience.

Before I got all spiritual, I was the erector set kid. If I couldn’t take it apart and see what made it tick—a control thing—it didn’t really interest me. And no way was I going to turn my will and life over to circumstance; let alone God or a Higher Power. We all know where that thinking took me.

What I learned from my experience was to let go. Not just let go of control, but let go of everything! Every thought about what life meant, every fear of not being liked and ALL the stuff that comes with it; most importantly every idea I had about spirituality. Once I chose life, every decision from that point on was easy. It was suggested I work some type of spiritual program, so I did. My experience tells me that I’m a spiritual being—simply because it feels right. I feel more at home with my soul and self today than ever.

Did me hitting bottom and finding a spiritual life happen for a reason? I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do know is the life I have today because I survived and learned about living a spiritual life, is what I had been searching for all along. And while I see many others like me not make it, it’s hard for me to tell their friends and family they died for a reason. I pray for them to have the strength to learn from their experience; to learn something they can pass on to others, and to learn they now have faith to walk through just about anything.

Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason; but rather it’s what we learn from the experience that GIVES it reason.

photo credit: Greything

Other Articles That May Interest You

• How to eliminate fear
• Where I’m supposed to be
• How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidently on purpose)
• Overcoming Fear
• The Sure Fire Way to Sabotage Any Relationship (plus the top 6 reasons to avoid it)

Welcome back to The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at step 4, Self-Searching. This week we are looking at:

Step 5: Confession

Oh great you’re saying… I have to confess my sins? Actually… yes. Admitting our faults to another human being, someone qualified to hear them, is an important step in being honest with ourselves. We hold back nothing for I am as sick as my secrets.

How is telling someone else our deepest secrets being honest with ourselves? It is the process of saying the words, getting them out into the open, which helps in our healing. By healing our self-image and moving closer to a real perception of ourselves, we move towards truth—truth about ourselves. Not until we truly know who we are, can we move forward into what we might become.

We often find that many of our secrets, things that we secretly condemn ourselves for, are not as bad as they may seem. It is important we share them with someone else for this amazing and spiritual transformation to work. So we find someone who is familiar with the process and understands what we are trying to accomplish.

Sitting in a room with myself and admitting to the wall my deepest secrets does not accomplish anything. I tried that for years and nothing happened. Remember, we cannot fix a broken mind with a broken mind. Moreover, we have already accepted something has to change, so we are wiling to move forward in the process.

I have used chaplains, life coaches, counselors, and therapists for this process. If we are serious about change, we find someone!

I have gone through this process several times, and I can tell you it is not as bad as it seems. In my experience, the wrongs I have done are causing more soul sickness then the actual acts themselves. It is important that I get them out into the open and discuss them with someone if I am ever going to forgive myself and move on.

The result of this process is a clear and objective look back at the patterns in our lives. This is another reason why we must share our inventory with another person. The person can help us see events in our past for what they really are—events in our past. Maybe we have been too hard on ourselves for something we have done. Conversely, maybe something happened in our past that is influencing our behavior more than we realize.

My experience with this process has been amazing. The act of sharing my deepest secrets with someone brings me more into the spirit of the universe. It is one step closer to being a part of as opposed to a part from. When I reach out to another human being and ask for help and guidance, I become receptive to the possibility of miracles and the power of love. True happiness and inner peace begins with self-acceptance. Self-acceptance begins with forgiveness, forgiveness of oneself. By confessing my faults to someone else, I confess that I am open to the power of forgiveness. It is from this place I have a start for forgiving myself. Only then may I experience the true power of forgiving others.

Next up, Step 6: Action!

What do you think about confessing your deepest secrets to someone else?

Photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance

Welcome back to the The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness. Last week we looked at the first step, Awareness. This week we’re looking at:

Step 2: Acceptance

As a result of step one, Awareness, we’re now aware that we need to change some aspect of our life in order to find happiness. Yet simply being aware will not accomplish anything. Especially if we’re unwilling to change that aspect of our lives. This is where acceptance comes in. We must be able to accept what it is we need to change. If we can’t get to a place of acceptance, that is recognizing and owning what is standing in our way, we’re stuck. Denial is a word that comes to mind here.

It’s important to note that just because I accept something does not mean I have to like it. Early on this was difficult for me to understand, but as I grow spiritually, acceptance because easier—even if means facing something uncomfortable—because I know I will grow from it.

The most difficult part of acceptance is…  **drum roll please** knowing that once I accept something, I am responsible. And if I’m responsible, I’m the only one that can do something about it. If I want to change that is.

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you’re going to do about it.”
-Kathleen Casey Theisen

That’s right, me, no one else. The blame game is over. I can no longer play the victim and blame someone else for my misfortune.

OK, so I surrender. I accept the fact that I need to change, what now?

Next up, Step 3: Identification.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• The Secret About: Change and Spiritual Growth

In the coming weeks I will explore the process of finding inner peace and happiness; as it has worked for me. I have broken the process down into seven steps:

1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Identification
4. Self-Searching
5. Confession
6. Action
7. Maintenance

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
-Ghandi

I have found Ghandi’s view of happiness to be right on. Thus, I need to get three things in harmony; thought, words, and action. The result of such harmony is a healthy self-image based in reality.

It has been my experience that thought, words, and actions based upon love bring the greatest serenity and happiness into my life. Not only love for myself, but also love for all of God’s creatures. Personally, I did not wake up one day and love everything and everyone… how could I? I did not truly love myself—or so I discovered through this process. It has been a long journey and one that continues on a day-to-day basis.

When looking at these three areas, there appears to be a paradox. I have to do (action) and say (words) the right things in order to think (thought) healthy about myself and be happy. (i.e. I can’t think my way into good living, I must live my way into good thinking). It’s all about action. I cannot intellectualize and read about happiness and wake up one day happy. It just doesn’t work that way, a least not for me. Yet in order to do the right things (action), I have to think them first. That is why it is important to realize this journey is a process. It takes practice and gets easier over time. Eventually, the right thoughts are the first to come into our mind, followed by the right actions. The natural result being self-respect and a positive self-image based in reality.

I must point out why I use the phrase based in reality. For years, I confused my actions with intentions. Most of the time, I had the best of intentions but rarely followed up with the appropriate action. As a result, I had a skewed perception of how I was actually perceived by others. I am judged by my actions, not my intentions.

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”
-Nathaniel Branden

Step 1: Awareness

I’ve always liked the saying, “I didn’t know what I didn’t know.” For years I was unaware there existed a better way to live; a life based on spiritual principles that could bring true inner-peace and happiness. Character building, in terms of spiritual growth, was not something I sought for happiness but rather as a means to obtain something, a tool rather than a virtue.

At age twenty, I fulfilled a childhood dream by becoming a zookeeper. I was happy… for a few years. Then one day I woke up and simply wasn’t happy anymore. I developed the awareness at that point in my life that no matter what, I would never be satisfied. I felt it in my soul.

For the next sixteen years, I continued to search for satisfaction outside of myself. With each new job or relationship, I was fulfilled for a while, but eventually the dissatisfaction with my life would return. Although I was aware of this uneasy and restless feeling, I had no idea what to do about it. I was aware of the problem, but was unaware not only of the source, but that there was a solution.

Not until I was forced out of pain and desperation to ask for help, did I become aware of the real problem. I was trying to fill a spiritual hole with material things. Out of this awareness came the greatest discovery of all: I could not fix myself. Moreover, I did not have to.

The first step to inner-peace and happiness is awareness, the awareness that something needs to change. We’re talking about real change here; not geographical, professional, or material, but a significant change in our perception of the world and our place in it. Change of this magnitude must come from outside of ourselves. For me it was simply searching for someone that had what I wanted—true peace and serenity—and asking them to show me how they got there.

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
-Albert Einstein

What are some things in your life that you have become aware of that need to change?

Up next, Step 2: Acceptance.

Photo Credit: h.koppdelaney

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 4, Self-Searching
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance

I like routines.

Years ago I was living in a house with six other guys. The house was run by a non-profit organization and served as a transition for guys early in sobriety trying to get back on their feet. Literally. Each house member was assigned chores; one of which was cleaning the living room. As an early riser, I was usually the first one up and to make coffee. While the coffee was brewing, I would prepare my lunch for the day, then enjoy a cup of joe in the living room while reading my morning meditation books. Leaving my coffee on the coffee table, it was off to the shower with the intention of returning to finish my coffee before leaving for work.

“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
-Aldous Huxley

Remember now I’m living with six guys, one of which would normally be up by now as well. His chore happened to be cleaning the living room and since he didn’t usually return home till later at night, he would always do it first thing in the morning and inevitably while I was in the shower getting ready for work. As a result, he would always pour out my coffee and put the cup in the dishwasher. This frustrated the heck out of me. I would tell him to leave my coffee cup alone, but he continued this selfish behavior every morning. I couldn’t understand what was so freakin’ hard for him to understand. Leave it alone!!

Finally I mentioned something about it to a friend. His response, “why don’t you just take the cup of coffee with you?”

Crap.

I learned a simple lesson. Many times, a simple change in my own behavior is all that is needed to increase my happiness and serenity. By just changing a single action—my own—I can avoid frustration and stop making unreasonable demands on others.

What small changes have you made that have increased your serenity?

photo credit: . SantiMB . (uninspired)

Well I’m back from vacation. Curacao was incredible and the diving was great. If you’re ever on Curacao and like to dive, I highly recommend Suzy and Mark of The Dive Bus. I’m still working on the happiness article/series I mentioned before we left for vacation. So stay tuned for that!

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Be on time, or the message you are sending is clear
• The Greatest Gift
• How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidently on purpose)
• Does Everything Really Happen for a Reason?

I am six years old and shivering as I glare at the freezing water from the edge of a pool. It is 7:30 a.m. and I am supposed to be in the water with the rest of the students… and my mother. Scared and cold, I muster every bit of courage I have, and jump.

A few short minutes later, I am OK. Actually, the water feels good now—not nearly as cold as when I jumped in. Did the water temperature change? Of course not—the water temperature did not change, I did.

“The key to change… is to let go of fear.”
-Rosanne Cash

Just like the fear of jumping into cold water, I sometimes fear uncomfortable situations. Situations, which prior to living a spiritual life, I avoided at all costs. Usually numbed out or tuned out in some way. These situations are usually a change in my normal routine or what feels comfortable.

Today when faced with something uncomfortable—whether rooted in fear, jealousy, anger—I am better aware of it, and know from experience, I’m probably getting ready to grow somehow spiritually and/or emotionally. Armed with this attitude, I am better prepared to face any obstacle or change in my life with minimal fear.

Life has not gotten easier; my perspective is just different.

I was not always this way. It took a lot of pain to make me change. Moreover, I did not want to change, I had to. Thank God. I was unaware there was a better way to live—I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

So the secret is (drum roll), the world and circumstances of our lives do not change, we do. Things happen around me, not to me. It’s how I react to change that either enhances or stunts my spiritual growth.

I am especially excited to hear about how you have accepted changes in your lives! Share in the comments.

I will leave you with another quote that gives a hint into how we can accomplish and view change:

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.” –Unknown

So the next time you’re standing at the edge of change or something uncomfortable, remember to walk through it—jump in! By embracing it, you’re re-channeling the energy towards positive growth. When you emerge on the other side, not matter what the outcome, you’ll feel better about yourself for having went through it.

photo credit: andyrobe

UPDATE: I plan to post (hopefully) one more post sometime next week before I leave for vacation on June 13^th. My wife and I are traveling to Curacao for a week for some R&R and diving. It’s going to sort of be our honeymoon (even though we got married on Kauai ;-) and celebration for finishing my Masters degree.

I also wanted to welcome anyone who would like me to cover certain topics, feel free to email me with any suggestions! I’ll write about anything dealing with emotional growth, spirituality, life, etc.. And honestly, no matter what the topic, I can generally relate it to something spiritual or having to do with personal growth. ;-)

Take care and thanks for stopping by!

Other Articles That May Interest You

• How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidently on purpose)
• Overcoming Fear
• Baby Steps: Climbing Mountains One Action at a Time
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance

Most fear is an illusion. False Evidence Appearing Real. The things that I fear are created in my mind. Most often, they are based in fear of loosing something I have, or not getting something I think I want. I stress the word think here… more often than not, what I want is not what I need.

Fear knocked at the door and faith answered. No one was there.
-Old English Proverb

Fear is natural, it is meant to keep me safe. The majority of times, however, my fear is unjustified. Why? Because I fear something that has not, or may not even happen. The fear may be based on a past experience that I’m projecting as the possible outcome of a current one. Due to unrealistic expectations, I feared the outcome because it was not what I wanted. Or at least thought I wanted… but it has always been what I needed. I just have to let it take me to where I’m supposed to be.

I have learned to be grateful for everything that has happened in my life. Everything, the good and bad, has contributed to who I am today. So when fear creeps up on me, I remind myself that I don’t always know what is best for me. I have faith that whatever the outcome, I can learn and grow from it.

Lack of faith and control is the cause of my fear.

So to eliminate fear, I need faith and control. That sounds good… I’ll take some of that!

Faith

When I’m living in the moment, little faith is needed. This moment is exactly what it is, no expectations, just is. Experience it, allow it to be, allow it to teach.

A definition of Faith from Webster’s:
1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof

I certainly have no proof of anything in the future. What I do have, is experience. The experience, that if I pay attention to what I’m doing right now—do the best I can in this moment and be the best human being I can be—my life is more fulfilling. I know from experience that if I help someone else, as opposed to doing something selfish, I’ll feel better about myself. I know from experience that when I do the best I can, the outcome is more acceptable, whatever it may be. By doing the best I can in each moment, I am less invested emotionally in the outcome because I have faith it will work out. So I do have faith. Faith that if I take the right action in this moment, something I have no proof of—the future—will work out the way its supposed to.

Ok, so faith… I got some of that now, what about control?

Control

Sometimes I hate dislike the saying “I have no control over people places and things.” That makes me sound like a victim. Things happen in the world around me, not to me. The key to control is, again, staying in the moment, or harnessing the power of now—are you seeing a theme here? This moment is where my actions count, the actions that create my future. So I do have some control. I have control over a lot of things actually.

An example: I’m minding my own “moment” while waiting at a red light. In front of me is a man talking on his cell phone. I’m thinking of how dangerous cell phones are while driving when the light changes to green. The gentleman continues his conversation without noticing the light has changed. I feel a little swell of anger. Now I’m “in tune” with this feeling, I’m in the moment and aware of my surroundings. So instead of anger, I switch to gratitude. I’m grateful for even having a car and home to drive to… heck I’m grateful I have two arms to hold this steering wheel! I gently honk my horn, the man waves and drives forward. I’m happy to be on my way and into the next moment.

I have control over my reaction to situations, which has an impact on my future. Suppose I would have gotten angry, yelled at the guy and flipped him off. Drove home in a fit of anger and pretty much wasted a good 30 minutes if not the entire evening. Not only did I create more misery, I missed every single moment while consumed with anger. At that point, I have lost control.

When I am in the moment, I am in reality and not creating fear out of some illusion. So to eliminate fear, stay in the moment.

Other Resources on Fear

OK, now I have a special treat for you, Guy Finley is an amazing spiritual and life learning teacher. I have included this great audio program from him titled A Whole Life is a Fearless Life.
(click the play icon to listen)
A Whole Life is a Fearless Life – Guy Finley

I’m not usually big on selling products or services, but Guy Finley and his non-profit Life of Learning Foundation is an amazing teacher. His series Secrets of Being Unstoppable really can change your life. He teaches about the “fundamental laws in the universe that govern the workings of all things.” And how you can learn “to harness the immense power of these laws to supercharge your productivity, creativity, and life energy; deepen relationships with your spouse, friends, and family; banish all forms of limitation, negativity, fear, and stress; and realize a permanent success far beyond your imagination.”

I know, it really sounds like the Holy Grail of self-improvement, and I don’t endorse just anyone; but I’ve been a fan of Guy’s for a few years now and love watching his videos and listening to his pod-casts.

I encourage you to check out his Secrets of Being Unstoppable series. Or better yet, sign up for his free Be Fearless Starter Kit.

Additionally, I would encourage you to check out the best books on Amazon dealing with fear.

post photo credit: Guille.

Other Articles That May Interest You

• How to Develop Good Communication Skills (accidently on purpose)
• Does Everything Really Happen for a Reason?
• Overcoming Fear
• The Secret About: Change and Spiritual Growth
• The Greatest Gift

Back in the early 90’s I was as a zookeeper. Each Spring we would transport the Spider Monkeys  from the indoor tropical building to a wonderful outdoor enclosure with trees and grass. Yay for the spider monkeys! Since none of us spoke Spider Monkey, we couldn’t really tell them what we were doing. For all they knew we were coming in to eat them so they always freaked out when we came walking towards them with nets. They didn’t know we were just trying to help them, that we were taking them to a great place to frolic in the sun and play in the grass and swing from the trees.

A few years ago I was laying in the grass at a park looking up at a tree and pondering what God’s will was for me. I noticed how the tree branches would be going one direction then shoot off in another. What made them do that? Then I realized a tree is just a tree. It’s being exactly what God intends it to be. It’s strong and provides shelter and food for everyone around it, just by being ITSELF! It’s not trying to be a rock star or grape bush, it’s just being the best tree it knows how to be.

For years I was like the Spider Monkey’s, freaking out every time life threw me a curve and wondering what the hell was going on. I didn’t realize God had a wonderful place he wanted me to be. A beautiful world where I could be free and do all the wonderful things that makes life so beautiful—like love and be loved. I just couldn’t see it. I was too busy trying to be a rock star.

So today I’m just trying to be the best “me” I can be. To let life take me to where I’m suppose to be and not just where I’ve ended up. To be the best human I can be, who can love and be loved. More like a tree.

photo credit: jphilipson

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness
• Matching Calamity with Serenity: Spiritual Training and Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos
• Spirituality for Non-Spiritual People: 6 Ways to Practice Spirituality
• Wants vs. Needs and Spiritual Growth

Emulate
tr.v., -lat·ed, -lat·ing, -lates.
1. To strive to equal or excel, especially through imitation: an older pupil whose accomplishments and style I emulated.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me, “Jared, find someone successful you admire and do what they do.” My inner voice said, “You’re full of crap lady. I’m unique, I’m going to do great things. I don’t know anyone who is going to be as successful as me.”

I was suffering from terminal uniqueness. I consistently found myself in conflict with everything and everyone. I was “a part from” as opposed to “a part of” humanity. Not until I realized I wasn’t so different was I able to open my heart to all that was around me.

“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else””
- Alison Boulter

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m unique in many ways, and for those I am grateful. But by recognizing the similarities with others, I’m more able to understand them, help them, and learn from them. When I view myself as completely unique, I’m probably thinking about myself and I’m not in the moment. Real life happens in the moment.

Here are some things I use to remind myself I’m not so unique:

Listening
During a conversation, I often get this inner voice that reminds me of all the great things I have to share. I’m so important, they’re going to be blown away by what I have to say on the subject… Basically I’m waiting for a chance to talk instead of listening.

When this happens, I try and remind myself to pay attention. I tell myself that if what I have to say is really that important, I’ll remember it when it’s time for me to share. I then just let it go and get back to listening. It takes practice. And yes, these thoughts happen in a split second so I usually don’t miss any of the conversation.

Looking for the similarities in others
The idea that a problem I face is so unique, that no one else has ever been faced with such a problem, is ridiculous. If I’m only focused on how I’m different from others, I’m separating myself. Once I separate myself, I lose the ability to learn from them.

No man is an island
-John Donne

Self Acceptance
By separating myself from others with an unrealistic view of uniqueness, I’m placing myself above or below them… “I’m better than..” or “I’m worse than…” By learning to accept myself completely, I no longer need to compare myself to others… as much. I still do it from time to time, but more often than not I catch myself.

There’s nothing wrong with viewing oneself as unique. After all, there is no one exactly like you or I. However, when I’m so unique I separate myself from everyone, it becomes detrimental to my spiritual growth. Finally, after years of struggling to fix my own “unique” problems, I took the suggestion of that psychiatrist from many years ago. I found someone that had something I wanted, and simply asked them to show me how they got there. It worked.

photo credit: Knokton

Other Articles That May Interest You

• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 7, Maintenance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 6, Action
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 5, Confession
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: Step 2, Acceptance
• The Spiritual Serenity Series: 7 Steps to Inner Peace and Happiness