You’ve been at the office all day, as soon as you get home and walk in the door, you’re immediately hit with a dozen questions by a loved one. How do you react? What’s your initial feeling inside? If you’re like me, you can sometimes feel a little… annoyed. Although I don’t really like that word—annoyed—because it seems a little self-righteous. Sort of like the word tolerance—like I am so much better, that it’s my “duty” to tolerate people. In my opinion, if I’m tolerating something, I’m coming from a place of being better than and not equal to. So I need to watch that. If I’m truly in a serene and place of inner-peace, nothing can throw me off. Although when a deer almost ran across the road in front of me on the way home from the gym the other night, that pretty much threw me off.
Part of the St. Francis Prayer is, “Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted – to understand, than to be understood – to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.” That means try to understand that maybe the person is excited to see you, has been thinking about these things all day and wants your opinion—or just to listen. Likewise, if you’re the one asking all the questions, try understanding that your loved may like to slowly unwind when they get home. But by all means, PAY ATTENTION TO ONE ANOTHER! Especially in the first 90 seconds.
You may have heard about Jim Fannin’s project, the 90 Second Rule:
“If you’ve been away from someone you care about or love for at least two hours, the first 90-seconds that you see them has more impact on the relationship than spending hours with them later.”
I first learned about this from Alex Shalman’s blog post, 90 Second Rule of Relationships. Alex looks at the 90 Second rule from more of a scientific approach, saying “This is my take on it: At ‘first’ our brain experiences a sense of novelty (a new experience), at which point we’re much more mentally stimulated, excited, and aware. After this, our brain gets used to the other person being there, and they’ve already had an opportunity to set an impression on us and set the tone to go in a certain direction.”
I like to keep things simple. If it works, I use it. So here’s the video (the message is great, the acting and direction, well… ):
The 90 Second Rule is a great way to improve your relationships, try it. I can tell you it takes practice! I forget about it a lot, but I can say that when I feel that disturbance in the force when I first see someone after being away for a long time, I think of the 90 Second Rule and try go pay better attention. I try to be more understanding than understood.
What do you do in the first 90 Seconds to make someone feel special?
photo credit: jessamyn
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Jared,
When I was newly married, I was working from the house and my husband was working outside of the house. When he would come home, I was so happy to have someone else in the house, I would bombard him with all kinds of questions. He was taken back which then made me feel sad and then the whole energy of the place would drop ten feet.
This went on for a few days until my husband told me that he needed some time to switch gears. I appreciated the explanation even though it made no sense to me. Eventually, we found a way that made us both happy.
Then as karma would have it be, we switched roles. I started to work out of the house and he started to work from home. And would you know it….the first day I came home from work, he hit me with a bunch of questions and I ended up doing what he used to do. It was so funny!
I am happy to report that this is no more an issue. Thank God! :)
Nadia,
Great story! Thanks for sharing. Amazing how the roles reversed, and you both truly got to experience what the other one felt.
Jared,
I love this post and this concept. I think we all need to be SO MUCH more aware of this. We all put this into practice, there would be so much less FRUSTRATION in the air and wouldn’t that be a great thing! Thank you for sharing this.
On a side note this is phenomenal: “Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted – to understand, than to be understood – to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.”
-Dena
Dena,
I agree. I’ve learned so much from that simple passage, “to understand, than to be understood.” Thanks for your comments.