Doing something does not always equate to accomplishing something. For years I scurried about getting all sorts of things done, but was no closer to inner-peace and happiness as a result. Today my actions take me towards something, towards spiritual growth which is where I find the truth about myself and lasting happiness.
When I was working as a server in a restaurant, I learned how to look busy. I discovered that if you carry a ketchup bottle around and look like you’re going somewhere, people will assume you’re busy and leave you alone. I was self-centered, or as I referred to myself, shy. Which is just a form of self-centeredness and making everything about me. When all I’m thinking about is how uncomfortable I am in a situation, I’m missing the opportunity to be of service to someone else. I’m making it about me.
“Slow down and remember this: Most things make no difference. Being busy is a form of laziness-lazy thinking and indiscriminate action.”
-Tim Ferriss’ 4-Hour Workweek
Many of you may have heard me talk about my $10 life where for years I would only put $10 worth of gas in my car at a time. I was too impatient to wait any longer. As I stood their watching the numbers clicking by, I would think about all the things I had to get done. Most often, none of them were for someone else—if that was the case, $5 was the limit—back when $5 would get you somewhere. While waiting I would think about what a great friend I was and that when I was finished with the laborious task ahead, I could get back to changing the world. It was always about me—always in a rush to manage my time, always looking for something I thought I was missing. Being alone with me was too uncomfortable.
What I was missing was love for self and self acceptance.
“Action to be effective must be directed to clearly conceived ends.”
-Jawaharlal Nehru
I believed my actions were directed towards achieving success, which in-turn would equate to happiness. But no matter what I achieved, there was always something else. Do you ever feel that way? I don’t know about you, but depending on forces outside myself to determine my success was an endless cycle. I would often think, “is this as good as it gets?” I thought I was happy—based on what others determined happiness looked like. I was not happy. At least compared to the happiness I have now, heck, it was not even in the same ballpark! To use a quote from Pulp-Fiction, “ain’t the same f$#&in’ ballpark, it ain’t the same league, it ain’t even the same f$#&in’ sport.”
Today when faced with a tough decision that requires action, I use a simple test: Will this action help me grow spiritually? This test can apply to any action which I’m not sure about taking. Even if the action seems selfish, it may be that I’m moving towards self-respect and love. For me, something as simple as taking the elevator vs. the stairs can be an action towards spiritual growth. Like when I find myself wanting to isolate and avoid people and can’t decide whether to take the stairs or risk having to talk to someone in the elevator. Is there any chance of spiritual growth by avoiding people? Not for me there isn’t.
Every action I take can be a clearly conceived act towards spiritual growth. And for me, living a life based on spiritual principles has been the only way I have found true and lasting inner-peace and happiness. OK, I know what you’re thinking… “every action? come on, that’s not realistic…” OK, maybe not the action of reaching for my coffee cup, but certainly every action which stirs inner conflict. Oh, and here’s the real important part!!!! If I don’t know which way to go, I ask someone! I ask someone whom I respect spiritually and will give me their unbiased opinion whether I want to hear it or not.
“The mark of a good action is that it appears inevitable in retrospect.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson
It has been my experience that actions I have taken based on spiritual growth and character building, in retrospect, seem to be the only possible choice.
If you find yourself “going through the motions” and busy busy busy, try taking some time out for yourself. Read a book, take a walk and listen to the sounds you hear around you. Put down the ketchup bottle and do something kind for yourself or someone else.
photo credit: Adam Kuban
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Great message here, Jared. When we use our spiritual growth as a litmus paper of sorts it ensures that we’re acting not only for our own good but for the good of others. By tapping the love at our core, everyone benefits.
Loved the way you threw in the Jules Pulp Fiction quote by the way. :)
“By tapping the love at our core, everyone benefits.” well said. Thanks for stopping by. Although I try and steer clear of “violent” movies these days, Pulp Fiction is still one of my all time fav’s… that and Raising Arizona, and Field of Dreams, and The Notebook… ha!
Hi Jared,
For years, I thought happiness was external. Then when I was 25, I had every external thing I wanted and never felt more empty. That is when my spiritual quest began in earnest and with time I came to see that happiness is on the inside. It is a manner of living and way of looking at life.
I totally agree with you that each day provides insights into spiritual growth. We just need to look and not be so caught up with all the distractions which we think are more important but really aren’t.
Wow Nadia, 25, good for you! It took me a few more years and a lot of pain and desperation. Not that I’m saying you didn’t experience any pain… I just think we are all blessed who have been driven to find a more spiritual path and seek out something more than material success.
It really does get easier with practice, the ability to stop in the midst of the daily rat-race and refocus. The ability to realize we’re missing what’s going on around us. I still catch myself doing that at times, realize that I’ve been going through the motions for a few hours and haven’t been present to what’s going on around me. But the amazing thing is we can recognize it!!
Hi Jared, I love the “simple test”:
Will this action help me grow spiritually?
What a great thing to ask ourselves in times of uncertainty.
Miche,
That test was something I learned early on in my recovery from alcoholism, and something I still use to help others new in recovery. When faced with a decision or action I was able to qualify it by asking “is it taking me closer to God (recovery) or farther away?” Like going to some party, a bar, or someplace I did not have a legitimate reason for being there. We can make up all sorts of rational reasons or try to fool ourselves, telling ourselves our motives are pure, but in reality, if we (I) look deep, our motives are driven by a source of control or something outside spiritual growth. For me, rationalizing something is me looking for some self-seeking pleasure. I had to really learn about myself and be true to myself to be able to truly dig deep and expose my motives for doing things. This covers so many areas, sex, relationships, money, control, etc. it goes on and on. Wow, maybe I should write a post about this one…. hmmm
Hey Jared,
I agree with Miche, the simple test is a fantastic idea. You make a really great point about spiritual growth & happiness in general. Actions based on spiritual growth & character building ARE the only possible choice. If you want to live a life of harmony & joy, that is. As always thank you for your insights!
-Dena
Evolution
Thanks Dena,
It’s really quite a miraculous perspective compared to how I used to live, in regards to character building. I used to look at “character” as simply a tool to getting something I wanted. Sure I could have integrity, if it was going to GET me something. I would be nice and overflowing with character if I thought it would put me in a position to better my own circumstances. Today I strive to be a better person and have integrity because it’s “the change I want to see in the world.” And to be honest, it’s a heck of a lot easier. Happiness truly is the by-product of right living, and for me, right living means working on my character for the sake of becoming a better person and not as a means of manipulation.
You really put your life on blast in this post and i respect that. Eliminating your fear of rejection is a great accomplishment and i commend you. I had this fear before and got rid of it recently. I keep myself communicating with people, because it help me network and plus i want to have super dooper communication skill like Brian Tracy.
Non the less, making your self feel or someone else feel important by doing something kind is a great idea. Its the best way to get rid of shyness.
Sweet post ( Smile)
But remember to keep it gangsta ,but only if its positive.
Thanks Jonathan,
Communication is one of the keys to everything I believe. Although for me, I had to learn how to listen to and communicate with myself. Knowing what I was feeling and why. Years ago when I was in a treatment center for alcohol abuse, my counselor gave me a sheet of paper that had all these faces drawn on it with different emotions. Mad, sad, anger, loneliness, etc. Below the faces were a long lists of emotions that could cause those feelings. For example Anger would have fear (among others) listed below it. If I was angry, I would look down the list and see “fear” and think to myself…. OK, that’s what it is really, I’m fearful or scared of something, I can feel that. Then I could work on recognizing what I was actually scared of. Which was usually not being loved or accepted. Then I had something to work with. I still use that tool today, although its more automatic.
Just tonight I was letting an outside measure determine how I felt about myself inside. Such a backwards way to be! Admittedly, I all too easily get caught up in the “how valuable am I?” syndrome, when what I really need to remember is that just by being, I’m of value.
I don’t suffer from staying too busy most days, but lately I’ve been letting myself get distracted by all the busy-ness around me. I don’t prefer it. I find such peace, love and fulfillment when, as you said, I slow down and observe all of life around me. More than observe, really — appreciate all of life.
I really enjoyed this post, and enjoy your writing!
Megan,
Thanks for sharing what’s going on with you. You know, even when I look at what I have accomplished and am working on over the last couple years, I actually have been more busy then during my $10 life days. But it’s funny, I don’t feel that busy. I think it’s because I’m present to myself and my place in this world. I don’t take time spent with loved ones for granted and make a real effort to be present when I’m sharing time with friends and family.
Gosh, I just read this post. So many things I can ID from my life in there. I’ve been ‘shy’ all my life-still am- can’t think how much I’ve missed in life from this misconceived notion of shyness, feeling like people will notice what’s ‘wrong’ with me, when the only wrong thing was probably not going somewhere based on that notion!
I’ve been actively working on taking a breathe and going or doing when I feel my ‘shyness’ kicking in and it invariably works out many times more positive than I’d expected.
Glad I checked back down the list of email this morning and read this- do have a wonderful week Jared and everyone.
Thanks Finola,
When I started my current job, my life coach suggested that I go around every morning the first week and introduce myself to three new people. I was like, “that’s just crazy, that’s just not me.” His response was, this isn’t about you. My shyness can cause me to be a part from as opposed to a part of. It’s still difficult sometimes, but like you, I find that when something is uncomfortable is usually when I learn or grow the most!
Wonderful message, and although we say it seems impossible, it would surely transform our world if we would approach everything with an element of the spiritual. If you look back a couple hundred years, people didn’t so clearly separate secular vs. spiritual/religious, and when we put deeper meaning into, oh, even laundry, then our mindset can shift. (It makes laundry more bearable too: I’m not just folding stuff {that I’ll have to wash, dry, and fold again}, I’m providing clean clothes for my family whom I love. If I reflect on that and use that time also to pray for my hubby and son, thank God for my family, and feel gratitude, then a mundane task enters grander, deeper, more eternal realms. And I’ll add here that while I do the laundry, my husband does all the ironing!) :-)
Emily-Sarah,
That’s a wonderful story about doing the laundry and looking for purpose in daily tasks. Thanks for sharing! I can relate, my wife does the laundry and I put it away… at least that’s how it’s suppose to work most of the time. ;-)
Hi Jared!
You wrote:
“For me, something as simple as taking the elevator vs. the stairs can be an action towards spiritual growth. Like when I find myself wanting to isolate and avoid people and can’t decide whether to take the stairs or risk having to talk to someone in the elevator. Is there any chance of spiritual growth by avoiding people? Not for me there isn’t.”
I really like the point were are making here. These little insights that help us change what look like minor actions can be life-changing! Sometimes we forget the little things we do are just as important, or even more so, than the big ones. Especially when you add them up!
Yesterday it was raining all day long and I was stuck inside with not much to do and I could feel the emotional clouds begin to form. Then, I turned on the news and saw something very negative and aggravating and usually I would allow myself to get sucked in to it all but not yesterday… I called my wife and asked her to dinner and I changed my day. I made a conscious decision to do something different that was good for me AND my relationship with my wife.
I must add here that you helped me. I am a recovering alcoholic as well and I have been reading through a lot of your material and when I read about how you look back at your day and conduct a “moral inventory” of your thoughts and actions I too started to do this. And when that point in time arrived yesterday when I had a choice to fall into the same old “negative” habit OR do something else that was better for me this is what motivated me. I did a “quick” moral check and found I was not sticking to my recovery plans – get out and away from the TV more.
Thanks!
mk
mk,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It is amazing how a simple change in attitude and perspective can turn an entire day around. It really is a decision. In the past, negative feelings and low self-esteem, were sort of a comfort zone for me. They also added fuel to my self-destructive behavior. Even on a sub-conscience level they allowed me to continue to drink; “I need to relax” “take the edge off” “let loose a little” – all excuses to drink. Things do happen in life that are unpleasant, that’s a fact of life, but its how I respond or react to it that is MY choice!