Time is precious. I don’t know about you, but I have squandered a lot of it away in the past due to unjustified anger and resentment.
Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.
When I’m in resentment, I’m not in the moment. Anytime I’m not in this moment, I’m missing out on… well, life.
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.
-From Chapter 5, Pg. 66 of Alcoholics Anonymous
Think about how resentments occupy your time. They’re like a cancer eating away at moments which could be filled with joy. The next time you’re awake at 2:00 a.m. because you felt you’ve been wronged by someone, try driving by their house and see if their lights are on. Now, who is it really hurting? Resentment truly is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
OK, so we know resentment is bad, how do we stop it?
Practice.
In How to Remember Today Years From Now, I shared an experience of how I was able to turn the beginning of a resentment into something amazingly spiritual and positive. By using practical prayer(practice), I am able to train my mind to be more altruistic then it naturally wants to be. Altruism is at the center of resentment reduction. It is natural to have our first thoughts be selfish and ask “what’s in it for me?” But here’s the real kicker, I finally figured out that a life based on self-centeredness is extremely unfulfilling. Healthy, loving relationships are what bring the most joy and fulfillment to our lives.
Regardless of the cause or reason, justified or not, resentment and anger rob us of our valuable time. I’m sure some people will say, “but sometimes anger is good, like if it motivates us to take action!” I disagree.
99% of the time, anger is based in fear, and decisions based in fear seldom promote spiritual or emotional growth. Now I’m not talking about the decision to move off the train tracks for fear of an oncoming train, that’s obvious. But think about fear for a minute… OK, minutes up. Fear is almost always caused by the feeling that we’re about to lose something we think we need/or have, or not getting something we think we want. If we have everything we need or want, we have nothing to fear right? Everything we need is inside us and can be obtained through spiritual growth.
In order to determine why we resent something, one of the first places to look is our motives. If we’re living a life based on self-propulsion and self-centeredness, anything that does not benefit us directly is bound to cause resentment.
Let’s say someone asks us to help them move this coming Saturday morning. Our immediate thought, (or at least mine) is something like, “great, I was planning on sleeping in and catching up on a good book, now I’ve got to help this guy out, what a drag… hmmm, although, maybe I should since I may need help someday.” Odds are, if our thinking stays along these lines and we do end up helping this guy move, we’re going to resent him for it later.
Now, here’s the key. If I’m doing something with the expectation of getting something in return, and can “check” that feeling and determine that if I don’t get that something in return I’m going to resent it, I shouldn’t do it. I’m simply doing it for the wrong reason.
I know what you’re thinking, if you’re like me and using this as a guide, I would never be doing anything for anyone! Well, we have to start somewhere. The first step is noticing this seed of resentment as it creeps into our conscience. Once we learn how to recognize it, we can begin working on it. It may be as simple as telling ourselves we’re doing something to be helpful, and we do not expect anything in return.
In my experience, the most effective way of working towards a more altruistic nature, is prayer and action. Asking God for a more giving heart and taking action when given the opportunity to help someone out. Conversely, a good way to avoid resentments is not committing to things you do not want to do. Yes, it’s that easy. You have the right to say no!
So the next time someone asks you for help and you feel that resistance creep up in your conscience, that’s a resentment seed sprouting. Don’t water it!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for another great post.
This is one I have had much success with over the years – I realize also that I get physically ill when I start to let things boil up inside – if I slip and let things get really bad my stomach churns out acid, I get a headache and my body’s resistance plummets, so days of feeling the damage can result.
Since I’ve spent a life with a ridiculous amount of time lost to migraines, the feeling that too much of my life was being lost was a big motivator to me to get over myself and find a way to let go of this ‘need’ to get angry, indignant, righteous and resentful.
Since getting a hang of it I have enjoyed so much more peace and ability to have and do positive, useful things fill my life. I still slip now’n then, but I know how good it can be, so I use that to motivate me to slip less and less.
When I do manage to also do things just for the fact that someone needs help, that does bring the best of feelings – that alone is all the ‘payback’ I think you need – it gives you the spiritual energy to get so much more done.
Keep them coming – :)
Finola,
That is so true about the physical aspects of letting things boil up. I get these stomach cramps at times, even when I don’t realize I’m stressed about something. It’s amazing.
Service can be amazing! Life Is Not A Search For Happiness
I must say that every time I see you’re comments and check out your site I’m jealous of where you live. My wife and I love to travel and dive and St. Lucia and Barbados are on our list! Would love to live somewhere near the ocean someday!
Thanks for your comments.
See you both here or St. Lucia someday I hope – and thanks for popping over to my blog too :)
Living here is something to be thankful for often, though I am known to discuss the way grass tends to look greener to me other places now n then :)
Excellent post. Resentment is a terrible thing and it really can suck the positivity right out of your life. You’ve handled the topic so well in this post and offered some great advice so thank you! :)
You’re welcome. Practice, practice.
Practicing unconditional love is a nice way to remove the hate within your heart. We all have resentment against a old spouse, a new friend or a family member. Yet, me must remove this anger within our souls by swimming inside the heart of others with forgiveness. We must forgive all and forget all wrong that has been done to us. Do not use it as a excuse to live throughout life as a wandering generality. Allow you self to take responsibility for the situation and move on.
Telling yourself, I am responsible ends the anger, resentment and hatred all at once. It stops all mental thought of a negative nature and bring an essence of LOVE!
Jonathan,
Thanks for the comments, I love that “swimming inside the heart of others with forgiveness.”
Hi,
I’m a recovering alcoholic looking for friends and support.
Sue
Welcome Sue. Feel free to email me anytime about anything.
hi jared.i can pick up resentments over anything i mean anything.Looking at this when im in despair so to speak getting resentment out of my life seems like a hopeless task.I know the problem is in myself and down to low self esteem and a great big fat ugly ego which can be so suttle it seems that it can be of help which i know is a big lie that my messed up head puts together.The things you have wrote on here look helpfull and i am under no illusion that this stuff needs a lot of practice.(or is that my ego talking) Please could you send me some info on practicing some techniques to help me deflate my ego and resolve resentments as they can be part of my day to day life and create the other emotions to go with it anger, guilt,unhappiness and the big one FEAR..Many thanks for your site and look forward t hearing from you.Jamie
Jamie,
I like the acronym for EGO as Easing God Out. But no matter what we believe in, our ego gets in the way of our usefulness to ourselves and those around us. Why does my ego get in the way? Most often because of fear, again, fear of loosing something I think I have (like security or money) or not getting something I think I want (like material things). The easiest way to deflate my ego, turn my attention to helping someone else. Self-pity and self-deprecation is still based in self. I’m still making everything about me, whether I’m the victim or not, that is just a label and I can either be a victim or a survivor, its my choice. As long as I’m a victim, I’m a spectator in my own life. I was that way for years, until the pain of living that way became too great, greater than the fear of trying something different.
How I resolve resentments, prayer. I pray for those I resent, I pray for them every single night on my knees before I go to bed. I pray that they have all the wonderful things in life I want for myself. I pray for them as long as it takes, sometimes days, and months. But at some point I find that I start to mean the things I’m praying for in my heart. Another way of reducing resentments, stop making unreasonable demands on myself and others. Now lowering expectations of others can be difficult, due to the fact that if we’re still putting large expectations on others to fulfill something inside ourselves, then we have more work to do on ourselves. No one is responsible for my happiness, as I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. The moment I think I am, well, that’s just that crazy EGO poking its head in again.
Stop being so hard on yourself, look around you right now in this moment and realize you’re OK. Check out this post, Right now you don’t have any problems, from Craig over at Inward Bloom.
Well… that mean I am one of those people that said anger and resentment are good. I never believed that every bad feeling is bad whether it is anger, sadness, loneliness. I believe these the things that made me appreciate live, when happiness came, I know to appreciate it because I have gone through sadness. When my soulmate is there, I know to appreciate her because I have gone through loneliness. the trick is not to be overcome by resentment. Resentment is just a way to make you realize something that you don’t want or something that you envy. Anyway this is just my thought on your post. Cheers… :)
Yuro,
Thanks for a different perspective on this. Well said about knowing how to appreciate happiness since you’ve experienced sadness.